Promises to keep

Today was rough. I'm losing my home, slowly but surely. I'm having to surrender all my 'identifiers', my physical barriers, the 'things' I have collected across all of my life since my parents died, and from before then too. The brutal inevitability and the scale of what is happening to me hit home with great avengeance today.

I looked for help, and was rebuffed on all sides by 'the establishment'....

Promises have been made and not kept.

I phoned my housing aid person, third time in two weeks. I was told (for the third time) she would phone me back. When she didn't, I walked (in tears) to the office and asked if she could see me or phone me. I was toild she was just going into a meeting, that she would ring me later. (She never did).

I've been waiting since January for help with my current Mental Health needs. I've been trying to contact the mental health team tall this week to try and find out how much longer I am going to have to wait for their help; four times they have promised to ring me back and four times have failed to do so. I went to my primary healthcare centre today and was told they couldn't help me, the mental health team were based elsewhere and only used that building for appointments, nothing else. They gave me the same number I have been calling all week...

I rang my GP's, trying to get an emergency appointment because I was feeling so dreadful that I was frightening myself. I got told there was nothing available for the next two days. I explained to the receptionist that would be too late, then rang off. I was meaning I would be dead by then.

I was still at Primary Care then, so tried to book in with the 'Go To Doc' service there. I was given a form and told to fill it in and wait. I asked how long I would have to wait (I was in floods of tears at the time) and was told "45 minutes to an hour". There were about 20 people in front of me. I would have had to sit amongst them while I cried my eyes out. I went back to the reception, still crying. I sat there twenty minutes, 'til I realised there was no help available there at all and decided I should just leave.

I wanted to ring my best supporters, but I didn't want to scare them all to hell if it was just a blip. I considered taking myself to A&E at the general hospital, but in the end I decided I was just as well off heading home. I'd realised by then that I was thinking about shopping for food, so I must be past the point of deciding whether to kill myself today or not.

One of the supporters I didn't call today is my best friend. What kept me alive today was a promise to my best friend not to leave her. I'm glad that I didn't make that call today, that I couldn't because she was at work and unobtainable as a result of that. I am still feeling lousy, but am not suicidal right now. It doesn't take away that it was a bloody rough day though. Make your promise, even if to only one person. I kept mine today. I love you, Gwraig.