I'm back in counselling and finding it very useful. The following is a good expression of where I feel I am going presently.
Faith of the Heart
by Russell Watson
It's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near
And I can feel the change in the wind right now
Nothing's in my way
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna hold me down
'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith, I’ve got faith, faith of the heart
It's been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I've finally had my day
And I will see my dream come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna change my mind
'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith, faith of the heart
I've known the wind so cold
I've seen the darkest days
But now the winds I feel
Are only winds of change
I've been through the fire
I've been through the rain
But I'll be flying, oh yeah
'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith, I’ve got faith, faith of the heart
It's been a long road
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/w/watson_russell/
If it sounds familiar, you may have come across this as the theme tune to 'Enterprise'
Monday 4 March 2013
Friday 1 February 2013
Benefits Changes and Suicide Rate
Today was a bad day. I came up with a new way of killing myself - two actually. What sparked this? The changes to benefits being made in the UK.
Just to head off some of the 'bashers', let me say that until I became mentally ill a couple of years ago I had been in full-time employment for more than 25 years, paying full Tax, National Insurance and receiving no tax breaks or benefits because I am single and childless.
I live on less than £70 a week at present (this has to cover all my bills - heat, light, water, food etc.). Today I was told that amount would, effectively, be reduced to below £65 a week, because in April I will be expected to start paying 'at least' £20 a month in Council Tax on top of my other living costs. (I am actually one of the luckier ones, because I won't also be having to downsize due to changes in Housing Benefits, as I already live in a single-bedroomed flat, and without the disability benefit I receive I would be living off less than £50 a week).
I asked what happens when I can't pay my Council Tax come April; I was told 'we don't get training on that until next Wednesday'. Currently UK law puts you in prison if you don't pay your Council Tax. So, potentially, I get to gain a criminal record and a period in jail; in turn I might well lose my 'social housing' home as I won't get any housing benefit if I am in prison and will fall into arrears sufficient to get me evicted.
So, no great surprise really that I was feeling suicidal earlier today and was too afraid to come back to my home because there were just too many ways in the place for me to carry out my own execution.
I also had both of my mental health supporters withdrawn last Autumn because funding for those services was pulled.
Yeah, obviously I am a 'scrounger' and our UK politicians are just building a 'fairer society'.
Just to head off some of the 'bashers', let me say that until I became mentally ill a couple of years ago I had been in full-time employment for more than 25 years, paying full Tax, National Insurance and receiving no tax breaks or benefits because I am single and childless.
I live on less than £70 a week at present (this has to cover all my bills - heat, light, water, food etc.). Today I was told that amount would, effectively, be reduced to below £65 a week, because in April I will be expected to start paying 'at least' £20 a month in Council Tax on top of my other living costs. (I am actually one of the luckier ones, because I won't also be having to downsize due to changes in Housing Benefits, as I already live in a single-bedroomed flat, and without the disability benefit I receive I would be living off less than £50 a week).
I asked what happens when I can't pay my Council Tax come April; I was told 'we don't get training on that until next Wednesday'. Currently UK law puts you in prison if you don't pay your Council Tax. So, potentially, I get to gain a criminal record and a period in jail; in turn I might well lose my 'social housing' home as I won't get any housing benefit if I am in prison and will fall into arrears sufficient to get me evicted.
So, no great surprise really that I was feeling suicidal earlier today and was too afraid to come back to my home because there were just too many ways in the place for me to carry out my own execution.
I also had both of my mental health supporters withdrawn last Autumn because funding for those services was pulled.
Yeah, obviously I am a 'scrounger' and our UK politicians are just building a 'fairer society'.
Saturday 26 January 2013
I'm sad today. I was sad yesterday and the day before too.
I was just on FaceBook and found some lovely photos of one of my friends. She's done some modelling, including some nude stuff. There are over 700 photos of her posted online. There are fewer than 5 of me posted online (that I know of). In every picture, my friend is smiling or laughing. It occurred to me, it's significant because it speaks to how confident one is and how secure in one's skin you are.
I don't often cry about myself, but today and yesterday I have. Just sad being who I am. This speaks to why I need to explore Mindfulness. It speaks to why I need to work with Zadkiel and the Violet Ray. It speaks to why I need more psychiatric help than I am currently getting. It speaks to why I value my friends so much.
I need to learn not to strive so hard, to learn to be okay being me. F*cking pathetic for a 50 year old.
I was just on FaceBook and found some lovely photos of one of my friends. She's done some modelling, including some nude stuff. There are over 700 photos of her posted online. There are fewer than 5 of me posted online (that I know of). In every picture, my friend is smiling or laughing. It occurred to me, it's significant because it speaks to how confident one is and how secure in one's skin you are.
I don't often cry about myself, but today and yesterday I have. Just sad being who I am. This speaks to why I need to explore Mindfulness. It speaks to why I need to work with Zadkiel and the Violet Ray. It speaks to why I need more psychiatric help than I am currently getting. It speaks to why I value my friends so much.
I need to learn not to strive so hard, to learn to be okay being me. F*cking pathetic for a 50 year old.
Thursday 6 December 2012
Friday 28 September 2012
Food and Mood - Recipe 2, Corned Beef Cobbler
Prep time: 20 minutes
Cooking time: 30 minutes
Serves 6-8
This is called a 'cobbler' because the dumpling things look like a bit liuke the surface of a cobbled street when cooked. You could make just the hash if you wanted.
Ingredients - Hash
1 small onion, chopped
1 tin corned beef (buy one with a ring pull, not a key. Ring pull tins are safer and easier to get the corned beef out of)
4-5 medium potatoes
1 standard tin baked beans
1 carrot, peeled and chopped
1 stock cube
Method
Pre-heat oven to 200C (gas 6)
Peel potatoes and chop into chunks, put into a pan together with the carrot pieces.
Add enough water just to cover the veg.
Bring to boil then simmer until veg are cooked.
Whilst the veg is cooking make the cobblers.
Ingredients- Cobblers
150g self raising flour
25g margarine or butter
1 teaspoon mixed herbs
Milk to bind
Method
Rub the flour, herbs and marg or butter together.
Add milk gradually, mixing as you go, until you achieve a firm dough.
DO NOT ADD too much liquid! Go steady! The mi should hold together, without sticking to the bowl.
Roll into small balls then flatten a bit, place on a plate and pop intop fridge until needed.
Now chop the corned beef up a bit and add it to the pan along with the veg and beans.
Bring to the boil, then transfer whole mixture to a casserole dish.
Fetch cobblers out of fridge and arrange on top of the hash.
Bake for 15-20 minutes until cobblers are browned.
Prep time: 20 minutes
Cooking time: 30 minutes
Serves 6-8
This is called a 'cobbler' because the dumpling things look like a bit liuke the surface of a cobbled street when cooked. You could make just the hash if you wanted.
Ingredients - Hash
1 small onion, chopped
1 tin corned beef (buy one with a ring pull, not a key. Ring pull tins are safer and easier to get the corned beef out of)
4-5 medium potatoes
1 standard tin baked beans
1 carrot, peeled and chopped
1 stock cube
Method
Pre-heat oven to 200C (gas 6)
Peel potatoes and chop into chunks, put into a pan together with the carrot pieces.
Add enough water just to cover the veg.
Bring to boil then simmer until veg are cooked.
Whilst the veg is cooking make the cobblers.
Ingredients- Cobblers
150g self raising flour
25g margarine or butter
1 teaspoon mixed herbs
Milk to bind
Method
Rub the flour, herbs and marg or butter together.
Add milk gradually, mixing as you go, until you achieve a firm dough.
DO NOT ADD too much liquid! Go steady! The mi should hold together, without sticking to the bowl.
Roll into small balls then flatten a bit, place on a plate and pop intop fridge until needed.
Now chop the corned beef up a bit and add it to the pan along with the veg and beans.
Bring to the boil, then transfer whole mixture to a casserole dish.
Fetch cobblers out of fridge and arrange on top of the hash.
Bake for 15-20 minutes until cobblers are browned.
Food and Mood - Recipe 1, Butternut Squash Lasagne
Food supposedly affects mood a lot, so one of the things I am currently accessing is a short (too short!) 'Cook and Eat' course at my local community centre. It's not what I hoped for, mas we cook as a team rather than individually, but I am enjoying it.
We make 3 courses each week. I thought I might share some of the recipes here, as they are pretty easy to do, even for a cooking-idiot like me.
Butternut Squash Lasagne
Prep. time: 60 minutes
Cooking time: 30 minutes
Serves 4
Ingredients
1 butternut squash, peeled and de-seeded
I courgette, skinned and sliced
1 large onion, peeled and chopped
1 large tin of tomatoes
2 tablespoons of tomato puree
1 clove of garlic, peeled and chopped
Ground black pepper to taste
6 lasagne sheets
Drizzle of oil for cooking squash
Small knob of butter or marg for cooking other veg
Method
Pre-heat oven to 200C
Place butternut squash pieces on a baking tray, drizzle lightly with oil and cook for 15 minutes.
Put onions and courgettes in a large pan with a small knob of marg or butter and cook for 3-4 minutes until softened
Add remaining ingredients to pan, bring to boil and simmer for 15 minutes
Remove squash from oven and add to pan. Cook for further 15 minutes
Whilst this is cooking make the cheese sauce.
Cheese Sauce
1/2 pint or 300ml milk
40g flour
25g butter or margarine
100g strong cheese grated
Method
Melt 25g marg or butter in a small pan.
Add flour, mixing well.
Remove pan from heat and add the milk a little at a time, stirring well so that it forms a smooth mix.
Return pan to heat and bring slowly to the boil, stirring all the time.
Reduce heat and continue to cook until sauce thickens.
Remove from heat and add cheese gradually - Keep a little cheese back for sprinkling on the top later.
To make up dish layer veg, then lasagne, repeat until all used, finishing with a lasagne layer.
Pour over cheese sauce and sprinkle with remaining cheese
Cook in oven for 30 minutes.
Don't forget, you can freeze any left overs for use another time.
Food supposedly affects mood a lot, so one of the things I am currently accessing is a short (too short!) 'Cook and Eat' course at my local community centre. It's not what I hoped for, mas we cook as a team rather than individually, but I am enjoying it.
We make 3 courses each week. I thought I might share some of the recipes here, as they are pretty easy to do, even for a cooking-idiot like me.
Butternut Squash Lasagne
Prep. time: 60 minutes
Cooking time: 30 minutes
Serves 4
Ingredients
1 butternut squash, peeled and de-seeded
I courgette, skinned and sliced
1 large onion, peeled and chopped
1 large tin of tomatoes
2 tablespoons of tomato puree
1 clove of garlic, peeled and chopped
Ground black pepper to taste
6 lasagne sheets
Drizzle of oil for cooking squash
Small knob of butter or marg for cooking other veg
Method
Pre-heat oven to 200C
Place butternut squash pieces on a baking tray, drizzle lightly with oil and cook for 15 minutes.
Put onions and courgettes in a large pan with a small knob of marg or butter and cook for 3-4 minutes until softened
Add remaining ingredients to pan, bring to boil and simmer for 15 minutes
Remove squash from oven and add to pan. Cook for further 15 minutes
Whilst this is cooking make the cheese sauce.
(Keep the oven on meantime, you'll use it again soon)
Cheese Sauce
1/2 pint or 300ml milk
40g flour
25g butter or margarine
100g strong cheese grated
Method
Melt 25g marg or butter in a small pan.
Add flour, mixing well.
Remove pan from heat and add the milk a little at a time, stirring well so that it forms a smooth mix.
Return pan to heat and bring slowly to the boil, stirring all the time.
Reduce heat and continue to cook until sauce thickens.
Remove from heat and add cheese gradually - Keep a little cheese back for sprinkling on the top later.
To make up dish layer veg, then lasagne, repeat until all used, finishing with a lasagne layer.
Pour over cheese sauce and sprinkle with remaining cheese
Cook in oven for 30 minutes.
Don't forget, you can freeze any left overs for use another time.
Tuesday 28 August 2012
Acknowledging Your Achievements
Today was a bit of a rough day, but I am aware that I dealt well with some difficult circumstances. One of the things I tend to forget is to recognise my achievements. I think that's a common thing when you are suffering mental ill health. For me, my inner critic loves to point out how I failed at things, that I didn't achieve as much as I needed or wanted to achieve, and that voice overwhelms the good stuff I have achieved.
So, today I didn't find any financial help for dealing with getting rid of my old home.
I did, though . . .
I also . . .
So, though my inner critic still isn't impressed, I am not so bad a person after all.
So, today I didn't find any financial help for dealing with getting rid of my old home.
I did, though . . .
- look at four different charities' websites, where I might have found some help
- understood the qualifying terms on those websites
- identified the charities whose qualifying terms I met
- with support, spoke to or e-mailed those charities identified as possibly helpful
I also . . .
- got up
- got dressed
- ate something for lunch, at lunch time
- took my medications
- did a washing load
- pegged the washing out to dry
- retrieved the dried washing
- put the washing away
- swept my lounge
- put out my rubbish
- contacted my nurse
- spoke with my support worker
- read a book
- wrote this blog entry
So, though my inner critic still isn't impressed, I am not so bad a person after all.
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