Acknowledging Your Achievements

Today was a bit of a rough day, but I am aware that I dealt well with some difficult circumstances. One of the things I tend to forget is to recognise my achievements. I think that's a common thing when you are suffering mental ill health. For me, my inner critic loves to point out how I failed at things, that I didn't achieve as much as I needed or wanted to achieve, and that voice overwhelms the good stuff I have achieved.


So, today I didn't find any financial help for dealing with getting rid of my old home.

I did, though . . .

• look at four different charities' websites, where I might have found some help
• understood the qualifying terms on those websites
• identified the charities whose qualifying terms I met
• with support, spoke to or e-mailed those charities identified as possibly helpful

I also . . .

• got up
• got dressed
• ate something for lunch, at lunch time
• took my medications 

• did a washing load 
• pegged the washing out to dry
• retrieved the dried washing
• put the washing away

• swept my lounge
• put out my rubbish
• contacted my nurse
• spoke with my support worker
• read a book
• wrote this blog entry

So, though my inner critic still isn't impressed, I am not so bad a person after all.

Time for an update. I have moved to my new home, a very pleasant one-bedroomed flat. With help from my amazing best friend Jessie Blackwood I have got the place in reasonable order and it looks like a home rather than a dump site. Keeping it that way is proving challenging, but I have support and am muddling through.

I still haven't disposed of the old place, though, nor the contents thereof. My Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has been put on hold because this issue is stopping me making progress with the therapy. My therapist has put a hold of about 12 to 16 weeks on working with me. I am about half way through that time now, I believe. The goal is to be free of the past things and the house by the time she is ready resume working with me. I admit, I am still heavily prevaricating.

Today I went to the Mindful Media group in Stockport, which works in association with CAHSS and Stockport MIND. I have been asked to provide some peer support with literacy and IT there. I have agreed to try this, with assurances from S that it is all very chilled and target free and totally in my hands in regards how I approach it.

I was terrified whilst we were discussing this! I was shaky and weepy and utterly lacking in confidence. I could see all the potential pitfalls of having a go at this, but I managed to come around. I actually think I see an approach that would be 'special' to Mindful Media; I am calling it 'Person-Centred Literacy' for now. It does what it says on the tin, if I can manage to create it. Something like this would have triggered all my buttons when I was well . . . I am very scared of cocking up, but I'll give it a try. I have, though, asked S to monitor me and to jump on me if I start being a perfectionist and self-critical of what I am doing and how it is going. I need to have a very positive experience with the project.

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I am angry that I have lost so much confidence through being bullied at work and becoming ill. I realise now that my OCD impacted on my performance at work, because the manner in which I was bullied led to me over-checking things. My extremely high levels of anxiety, my paranoia and my over-checking all impacted on my performance, setting the stage for what followed. I doubt I can ever forgive my bully, 'puh', for keying in to my weaknesses and exploiting them. I had a pre-existing illness and what occurred aggravated it to the point where I reached collapse.

I'm recovering, but it's a case of 'slow and steady wins the race'. Meditation is helping; Reiki is helping; my support workers are invaluable to me, as are Jessie and SK. I know I would not still be alive without the people around me who have xollecyively worked so hard to give me so much respect, affection, love and Unconditional Positive Regard. UPR will be at the heart of the approach I take to peer supporting for Literacy at Mindful Media. Blessed Be all those who contribute to helping me get well again.