I'm back in counselling and finding it very useful. The following is a good expression of where I feel I am going presently.
Faith of the Heart
by Russell Watson
It's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near
And I can feel the change in the wind right now
Nothing's in my way
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna hold me down
'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith, I’ve got faith, faith of the heart
It's been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I've finally had my day
And I will see my dream come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna change my mind
'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith, faith of the heart
I've known the wind so cold
I've seen the darkest days
But now the winds I feel
Are only winds of change
I've been through the fire
I've been through the rain
But I'll be flying, oh yeah
'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith, I’ve got faith, faith of the heart
It's been a long road
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/w/watson_russell/
If it sounds familiar, you may have come across this as the theme tune to 'Enterprise'
Monday, 4 March 2013
Friday, 1 February 2013
Benefits Changes and Suicide Rate
Today was a bad day. I came up with a new way of killing myself - two actually. What sparked this? The changes to benefits being made in the UK.
Just to head off some of the 'bashers', let me say that until I became mentally ill a couple of years ago I had been in full-time employment for more than 25 years, paying full Tax, National Insurance and receiving no tax breaks or benefits because I am single and childless.
I live on less than £70 a week at present (this has to cover all my bills - heat, light, water, food etc.). Today I was told that amount would, effectively, be reduced to below £65 a week, because in April I will be expected to start paying 'at least' £20 a month in Council Tax on top of my other living costs. (I am actually one of the luckier ones, because I won't also be having to downsize due to changes in Housing Benefits, as I already live in a single-bedroomed flat, and without the disability benefit I receive I would be living off less than £50 a week).
I asked what happens when I can't pay my Council Tax come April; I was told 'we don't get training on that until next Wednesday'. Currently UK law puts you in prison if you don't pay your Council Tax. So, potentially, I get to gain a criminal record and a period in jail; in turn I might well lose my 'social housing' home as I won't get any housing benefit if I am in prison and will fall into arrears sufficient to get me evicted.
So, no great surprise really that I was feeling suicidal earlier today and was too afraid to come back to my home because there were just too many ways in the place for me to carry out my own execution.
I also had both of my mental health supporters withdrawn last Autumn because funding for those services was pulled.
Yeah, obviously I am a 'scrounger' and our UK politicians are just building a 'fairer society'.
Just to head off some of the 'bashers', let me say that until I became mentally ill a couple of years ago I had been in full-time employment for more than 25 years, paying full Tax, National Insurance and receiving no tax breaks or benefits because I am single and childless.
I live on less than £70 a week at present (this has to cover all my bills - heat, light, water, food etc.). Today I was told that amount would, effectively, be reduced to below £65 a week, because in April I will be expected to start paying 'at least' £20 a month in Council Tax on top of my other living costs. (I am actually one of the luckier ones, because I won't also be having to downsize due to changes in Housing Benefits, as I already live in a single-bedroomed flat, and without the disability benefit I receive I would be living off less than £50 a week).
I asked what happens when I can't pay my Council Tax come April; I was told 'we don't get training on that until next Wednesday'. Currently UK law puts you in prison if you don't pay your Council Tax. So, potentially, I get to gain a criminal record and a period in jail; in turn I might well lose my 'social housing' home as I won't get any housing benefit if I am in prison and will fall into arrears sufficient to get me evicted.
So, no great surprise really that I was feeling suicidal earlier today and was too afraid to come back to my home because there were just too many ways in the place for me to carry out my own execution.
I also had both of my mental health supporters withdrawn last Autumn because funding for those services was pulled.
Yeah, obviously I am a 'scrounger' and our UK politicians are just building a 'fairer society'.
Saturday, 26 January 2013
I'm sad today. I was sad yesterday and the day before too.
I was just on FaceBook and found some lovely photos of one of my friends. She's done some modelling, including some nude stuff. There are over 700 photos of her posted online. There are fewer than 5 of me posted online (that I know of). In every picture, my friend is smiling or laughing. It occurred to me, it's significant because it speaks to how confident one is and how secure in one's skin you are.
I don't often cry about myself, but today and yesterday I have. Just sad being who I am. This speaks to why I need to explore Mindfulness. It speaks to why I need to work with Zadkiel and the Violet Ray. It speaks to why I need more psychiatric help than I am currently getting. It speaks to why I value my friends so much.
I need to learn not to strive so hard, to learn to be okay being me. F*cking pathetic for a 50 year old.
I was just on FaceBook and found some lovely photos of one of my friends. She's done some modelling, including some nude stuff. There are over 700 photos of her posted online. There are fewer than 5 of me posted online (that I know of). In every picture, my friend is smiling or laughing. It occurred to me, it's significant because it speaks to how confident one is and how secure in one's skin you are.
I don't often cry about myself, but today and yesterday I have. Just sad being who I am. This speaks to why I need to explore Mindfulness. It speaks to why I need to work with Zadkiel and the Violet Ray. It speaks to why I need more psychiatric help than I am currently getting. It speaks to why I value my friends so much.
I need to learn not to strive so hard, to learn to be okay being me. F*cking pathetic for a 50 year old.
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