Six Words

I've just been asked how I would describe my life in just six words ?

Fool's gold, frankincense, myrhh, bitter herbs

Books on Prescription 2

I'm not sure how much of my own direct experience of CBT to share here. I want readers to have the opportunity to see the process of engaging with CBT from the inside, but maybe my more personal insights need to remain undisclosed ? Bear with me whilst I figure out how much and what types of information to share.


I've now read Chapter Two of Melanie Fennell's book. I've made copious notes from this chapter, as it is far more meaty than Chapter One. In this chapter the underpinning theories and principles of CBT are presented, along with numerous case studies. All this allows you to start to relate the text to your personal experiences and to understand what has happened in your instance.

There are a few quotes I want to share at this stage:

There is nothing shameful about seeking psychological help" (Fennell, 2009:22)

"Your view of yourself...is an opinion, not a fact" (Fennell, 2009:32)

"...beliefs about ourselves are all learned" (Fennell, 2009:34)

"...well established reaction patterns prevent you from changing your opinion of yourself". (Fennell, 2009:34)

Summarising, what I've learnt from Chapters One and Two of Fennell's book is this:

1. What we have come to believe about ourselves and about our 'lot in life' has accrued over time. It's an opinion, an often skew-wiff view, built on biased and prejudicial information; when you have an inclination to low self-esteem you place greater negative weight on your experiences in life and discount or discolour a lot of the positives.

2. We have developed a 'Bottom Line' - a 2. statement we believe to be true about ourselves, for example, 'I am unacceptable'.

3. We base our strategies for surviving life on this 'Bottom Line' and thse become out 'Rules for Living', for example 'unless I behave in this manner I will be rejected'.

4. There is a cycle in operation here. Our 'Bottom Line' dictates our actions via our 'Rules for Living'. We 'edit' and 'filter' our experiences to support our 'Bottom Line'.

It is maintained and, indeed, strengthened by systematic biases in thinking, which make it easier for you to notice and give weight to anything that is consistent with it, while encouraging you to screen out and discount anything that is not" (Fennell, 2009:52)

"Because you basic beliefs about yourself are negative, you anticioate that events will turn out in a negative way...The anticipation makes you sensitive to any sign that things are indeed turning out as you predicted" (Fennell, 2009:54)

I strongly recommend the following text:

Fennell, M., (2009), Overcoming Low Self-Esteem: A self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques

Books on Prescription

My therapist recommended two books to me this week. He didn't get the title or author exactly right, because he didn't have his 'prescription cards' on him at the time, but I managed to figure it out.

He explained that there is a scheme running in local libraries called 'Books on Prescription'. The therapists from the area have given the public library service a list of books they are liable to recommend that their clients read. The libraries have copies of these books in and they can be requested by clients / patients; you can then get the book(s) on a double-length loan period (6 weeks in this area) without being charged for requesting the book(s).

I have currently got the following books on loan under this scheme:

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell
Overcoming Anxiety by Helen Kennerley
Assertiveness: Step by Step by Windy Dryden and Daniel Constantinou


I've started reading the one by Melanie Fennell. The first half of Chapter One was a bit obvious and a tad patronising, but it gets better. I did the exercises suggested and I feel I gained a lot by it. I've decided to try and read a chapter every couple if days.

One thing I did like about this book right from the start is how much effort has been put in to guide the reader to a decision about whether the book is right for them; it clearly states who it is aimed at, how it might help, how much it can help, and what to do if it is not ebough on its own


I highly recommend asking your therapist or librarian if there is a 'Books on Prescription' scheme or something similar operating where you are.

Week Two

So, I've now had my second CBT session. This one involved reviewing my last session, then looking at some of the 'situations' I recorded as homework. I was also asked to fill in another form like the one I filled out last week, which was very similar to the one I filled out when I first saw the 'Gateway Worker' who assessed me as needing CBT. I scored lower on this form this week, which indicates I coped better this week, I think.

I presented a lot of issues last week, as you'll know if you read my previous entries. So this time my therapist was trying to help me narrow things down and prioritise and to identify the things that will respond best to the CBT approach. We also discussed those things CBT can't address, and things I need to take concrete action about too, like my financial difficulties.

We settled on my low self-esteem and my requirment to be more assertive as the two biggest priorities, whilst acknowledging the interconnectedness of my issues.


We discussed target setting, using the 'SMART' target model. I came out of the session with one target, which (paraphrasing) is that by session 11 I will be being firm enough with 30% of the people who 'drop-in' on me during working hours to tell them when I don't have time to see them there and then and manipulate the communication in the encounter so that they have to go away and come back at an agreed appointment time.

My therapist is on holiday for two weeks now, so he has asked me to come up with some more SMART targets for myself and to keep recording my 'Situations', though he has given me a different form to use this time which asks me to also record how I behaved in order to cope with the situation.

The other thing my therapist did this session was to talk to me about 'Books on Prescription'. I feel this is so important a topic that I am going to make a separate entry about it.

Week One - Prior to Therapy Session

Well, nearly time for my second therapy session, so I thought I'd review my experiences of this week. Mostly I seem to have been anxious, upset and angry, in turns, throughout the week. Of course there's a slant going on there, because I've only recorded the bad bits. There have been good bits too.

I'm not sure what I have recorded and how I have recorded is right. I'll find out tomorrow, I suppose. This week, almost inevitably, I've been preoccupied with goings on at work, which is where I get bullied. I don't want my therapy to be about work, though. I've spent a lot of time chewing that particular topic over in the past. I want to work at a deeper level than talking about how much my boss pisses me off and how helpless she can manage to make me. That's her stuff, not mine. If I'm only going to get one crack at CBT I want to make the best use of it that I can.

I'll update again after tomorrow's session.

Opening Pandora's Box

Here's my first entry in a brand new blog. Don't expect daily updates. My policy is to only ever write when I have something to say.

This is a deliberately anonymous blog. It may seem strange that I am writing about something so intimate as my experiences of CBT in a public forum, but in truth I a) want to record my experience for posterity and b) want to help others understand the process and benefits of accessing counselling.

Am I really a madwoman ? Judge for yourself. I have thoughts and feelings which are reputedly not 'the norm', and sometimes I act on these in ways that may appear bizarre, or indeed 'mad', to others. To you, if you are bothering to read this, they may seem familiar. If they are and you would like to correspond with me about something you have read here leave me a message and an email address and I'll get back to you. I'm really bad at answering / acting in a timely fashion,though, so don't think I am ignoring you or being horrible. Eventually you will hear off me.

This is my first post after my first CBT counselling session. CBT stands for 'Cognitive Behaviour Therapy'. I'll put some links up later for those who need or want to know a bit more about what CBT is, it's theory and practise.


So what happened ?

I went to a medical centre. I met with a stranger, a CBT Therapist (Counsellor). He explained what CBT is and how it works and that I will be doing 'homework'. I told him my life story in the form of a potted history, mostly covering the really shitty stuff that's happened to me and how it all leaves me feeling and how it impacts on my life at present. Together we concluded that CBT might be an effective way to address my needs. We agreed when we'd meet again, how often (weekly) and approximately for how many sessions (12).

I am a bit reluctant to talk in detail, but I guess you need to know what my main issues are. I have low self-esteem, I suffer from depression, I'm subjected to bullying at work, I hover on the fringes of self-harming behaviour and I don't love myself.

The phrase 'Not waving, but drowning' sums me up a lot of the time.