Where I am Headed

I'm back in counselling and finding it very useful. The following is a good expression of where I feel I am going presently.

Faith of the Heart
by Russell Watson

It's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near

And I can feel the change in the wind right now
Nothing's in my way
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna hold me down

'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith, I’ve got faith, faith of the heart

It's been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I've finally had my day

And I will see my dream come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna change my mind

'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith, faith of the heart

I've known the wind so cold
I've seen the darkest days
But now the winds I feel
Are only winds of change
I've been through the fire
I've been through the rain
But I'll be flying, oh yeah

'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith, I’ve got faith, faith of the heart

It's been a long road

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/w/watson_russell/


If it sounds familiar, you may have come across this as the theme tune to 'Enterprise'

Benefits Changes and Suicide Rate

Today was a bad day. I came up with a new way of killing myself - two actually. What sparked this? The changes to benefits being made in the UK. 

Just to head off some of the 'bashers', let me say that until I became mentally ill a couple of years ago I had been in full-time employment for more than 25 years, paying full Tax, National Insurance and receiving no tax breaks or benefits because I am single and childless.

I live on less than £70 a week at present (this has to cover all my bills - heat, light, water, food etc.). Today I was told that amount would, effectively, be reduced to below £65 a week, because in April I will be expected to start paying 'at least' £20 a month in Council Tax on top of my other living costs. (I am actually one of the luckier ones, because I won't also be having to downsize due to changes in Housing Benefits, as I already live in a single-bedroomed flat, and without the disability benefit I receive I would be living off less than £50 a week).

I asked what happens when I can't pay my Council Tax come April; I was told 'we don't get training on that until next Wednesday'. Currently UK law puts you in prison if you don't pay your Council Tax. So, potentially, I get to gain a criminal record and a period in jail; in turn I might well lose my 'social housing' home as I won't get any housing benefit if I am in prison and will fall into arrears sufficient to get me evicted.

So, no great surprise really that I was feeling suicidal earlier today and was too afraid to come back to my home because there were just too many ways in the place for me to carry out my own execution.

I also had both of my mental health supporters withdrawn last Autumn because funding for those services was pulled.

Yeah, obviously I am a 'scrounger' and our UK politicians are just building a 'fairer society'.

I'm sad today. I was sad yesterday and the day before too.

I was just on FaceBook and found some lovely photos of one of my friends. She's done some modelling, including some nude stuff. There are over 700 photos of her posted online. There are fewer than 5 of me posted online (that I know of). In every picture, my friend is smiling or laughing. It occurred to me, it's significant because it speaks to how confident one is and how secure in one's skin you are.

I don't often cry about myself, but today and yesterday I have. Just sad being who I am. This speaks to why I need to explore Mindfulness. It speaks to why I need to work with Zadkiel and the Violet Ray. It speaks to why I need more psychiatric help than I am currently getting. It speaks to why I value my friends so much.

I need to learn not to strive so hard, to learn to be okay being me. F*cking pathetic for a 50 year old.

Food and Mood - Recipe 2, Corned Beef Cobbler

Prep time: 20 minutes
Cooking time: 30 minutes
Serves 6-8

This is called a 'cobbler' because the dumpling things look like a bit liuke the surface of a cobbled street when cooked. You could make just the hash if you wanted.

Ingredients - Hash

1 small onion, chopped
1 tin corned beef (buy one with a ring pull, not a key. Ring pull tins are safer and easier to get the corned beef out of)
4-5 medium potatoes
1 standard tin baked beans
1 carrot, peeled and chopped
1 stock cube

Method

Pre-heat oven to 200C (gas 6)
Peel potatoes and chop into chunks, put into a pan together with the carrot pieces.
Add enough water just to cover the veg.
Bring to boil then simmer until veg are cooked.

Whilst the veg is cooking make the cobblers.


Ingredients- Cobblers

150g self raising flour
25g margarine or butter
1 teaspoon mixed herbs
Milk to bind

Method

Rub the flour, herbs and marg or butter together.
Add milk gradually, mixing as you go, until you achieve a firm dough.
DO NOT ADD too much liquid! Go steady! The mi should hold together, without sticking to the bowl.

Roll into small balls then flatten a bit, place on a plate and pop intop fridge until needed.

Now chop the corned beef up a bit and add it to the pan along with the veg and beans.
Bring to the boil, then transfer whole mixture to a casserole dish.
Fetch cobblers out of fridge and arrange on top of the hash.
Bake for 15-20 minutes until cobblers are browned.

Food and Mood - Recipe 1, Butternut Squash Lasagne

Food supposedly affects mood a lot, so one of the things I am currently accessing is a short (too short!) 'Cook and Eat' course at my local community centre. It's not what I hoped for, mas we cook as a team rather than individually, but I am enjoying it.

We make 3 courses each week. I thought I might share some of the recipes here, as they are pretty easy to do, even for a cooking-idiot like me.

Butternut Squash Lasagne

Prep. time: 60 minutes
Cooking time: 30 minutes
Serves 4

Ingredients

1 butternut squash, peeled and de-seeded
I courgette, skinned and sliced
1 large onion, peeled and chopped
1 large tin of tomatoes
2 tablespoons of tomato puree
1 clove of garlic, peeled and chopped
Ground black pepper to taste
6 lasagne sheets

Drizzle of oil for cooking squash
Small knob of butter or marg for cooking other veg


Method

Pre-heat oven to 200C
Place butternut squash pieces on a baking tray, drizzle lightly with oil and cook for 15 minutes.
Put onions and courgettes in a large pan with a small knob of marg or butter and cook for 3-4 minutes until softened
Add remaining ingredients to pan, bring to boil and simmer for 15 minutes
Remove squash from oven and add to pan. Cook for further 15 minutes

Whilst this is cooking make the cheese sauce.

(Keep the oven on meantime, you'll use it again soon)

Cheese Sauce
1/2 pint or 300ml milk
40g flour
25g butter or margarine
100g strong cheese grated

Method

Melt 25g marg or butter in a small pan.
Add flour, mixing well.
Remove pan from heat and add the milk a little at a time, stirring well so that it forms a smooth mix.
Return pan to heat and bring slowly to the boil, stirring all the time.
Reduce heat and continue to cook until sauce thickens.
Remove from heat and add cheese gradually - Keep a little cheese back for sprinkling on the top later.


To make up dish layer veg, then lasagne, repeat until all used, finishing with a lasagne layer.
Pour over cheese sauce and sprinkle with remaining cheese
Cook in oven for 30 minutes.

Don't forget, you can freeze any left overs for use another time.

Acknowledging Your Achievements

Today was a bit of a rough day, but I am aware that I dealt well with some difficult circumstances. One of the things I tend to forget is to recognise my achievements. I think that's a common thing when you are suffering mental ill health. For me, my inner critic loves to point out how I failed at things, that I didn't achieve as much as I needed or wanted to achieve, and that voice overwhelms the good stuff I have achieved.


So, today I didn't find any financial help for dealing with getting rid of my old home.

I did, though . . .

• look at four different charities' websites, where I might have found some help
• understood the qualifying terms on those websites
• identified the charities whose qualifying terms I met
• with support, spoke to or e-mailed those charities identified as possibly helpful

I also . . .

• got up
• got dressed
• ate something for lunch, at lunch time
• took my medications 

• did a washing load 
• pegged the washing out to dry
• retrieved the dried washing
• put the washing away

• swept my lounge
• put out my rubbish
• contacted my nurse
• spoke with my support worker
• read a book
• wrote this blog entry

So, though my inner critic still isn't impressed, I am not so bad a person after all.

Time for an update. I have moved to my new home, a very pleasant one-bedroomed flat. With help from my amazing best friend Jessie Blackwood I have got the place in reasonable order and it looks like a home rather than a dump site. Keeping it that way is proving challenging, but I have support and am muddling through.

I still haven't disposed of the old place, though, nor the contents thereof. My Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has been put on hold because this issue is stopping me making progress with the therapy. My therapist has put a hold of about 12 to 16 weeks on working with me. I am about half way through that time now, I believe. The goal is to be free of the past things and the house by the time she is ready resume working with me. I admit, I am still heavily prevaricating.

Today I went to the Mindful Media group in Stockport, which works in association with CAHSS and Stockport MIND. I have been asked to provide some peer support with literacy and IT there. I have agreed to try this, with assurances from S that it is all very chilled and target free and totally in my hands in regards how I approach it.

I was terrified whilst we were discussing this! I was shaky and weepy and utterly lacking in confidence. I could see all the potential pitfalls of having a go at this, but I managed to come around. I actually think I see an approach that would be 'special' to Mindful Media; I am calling it 'Person-Centred Literacy' for now. It does what it says on the tin, if I can manage to create it. Something like this would have triggered all my buttons when I was well . . . I am very scared of cocking up, but I'll give it a try. I have, though, asked S to monitor me and to jump on me if I start being a perfectionist and self-critical of what I am doing and how it is going. I need to have a very positive experience with the project.

@---}--}-------

I am angry that I have lost so much confidence through being bullied at work and becoming ill. I realise now that my OCD impacted on my performance at work, because the manner in which I was bullied led to me over-checking things. My extremely high levels of anxiety, my paranoia and my over-checking all impacted on my performance, setting the stage for what followed. I doubt I can ever forgive my bully, 'puh', for keying in to my weaknesses and exploiting them. I had a pre-existing illness and what occurred aggravated it to the point where I reached collapse.

I'm recovering, but it's a case of 'slow and steady wins the race'. Meditation is helping; Reiki is helping; my support workers are invaluable to me, as are Jessie and SK. I know I would not still be alive without the people around me who have xollecyively worked so hard to give me so much respect, affection, love and Unconditional Positive Regard. UPR will be at the heart of the approach I take to peer supporting for Literacy at Mindful Media. Blessed Be all those who contribute to helping me get well again.

Return to Counselling

I have begun, this week, a new round of CBT Counselling. The sessions' aim is to help me reduce and manage the anxiety I experience in relation to clearing my home of the accumulated clutter that has resulted from my OCD Hoarding.

@---}--}-----

I've been lucky, I managed to find a couple of agencies willing to help my with the physical aspects of the task and my friends have the sympathy aspect covered. Now I have the emotional / psychological angle covered too, so I am hoping we can really move forward on this now.

I have made progress, but its been quite painful--and it's come with variable results. I do have carpet visible in my lounge right now! Quite a lot of it, actually. (It's blue) I can get into cupboards and such that haven't seen the light of day for years, too. Resisting the drive to classify everything I come across as either 'will come in handy' or 'sentimental attachment' is hard, though.

When we  (my brave helpers and I--well them, mostly) started cleaning, I had a hard time because I couldn't disassociate myself from my belongings. After the initial euphoria of seeing space being made I then hit a point where throwing things away, emotionally and psychologically, was for me equating to throwing my actual self away. I believed that if my stuff was rubbish, so was I. I've not really gotten past that one yet, I just pushed the belief to the back of my mind and am trying to get on despite it.

@---}--}-----

Going into the first CBT session I was anxious, filled with trepidation and tearful. I hate that I cry so much. I wasn't sure what goal I might set for the CBT work, but I knew my relationship with my 'stuff' has to change, that I need to 'let go' and also to 'lose the fear'.

My new counsellor did a very thorough job of assessing whether I will be able to cope with and perform the work the CBT will set me. I have a lot going on in my life right now, and she wanted to be sure that by taking me on as a client she wouldn't actually be making things worse for me. I suspect it was a borderline call, but we are going ahead. I know it will be tough, CBT is very much a 'short, sharp, shock' treatment. I'm up for it though, being as I am desperate to live through what's happening right now; shifting my clutter, both physical and mental, is what the hour calls for. Wish me luck, say some prayers for me. Blessed be.

Promises to keep

Today was rough. I'm losing my home, slowly but surely. I'm having to surrender all my 'identifiers', my physical barriers, the 'things' I have collected across all of my life since my parents died, and from before then too. The brutal inevitability and the scale of what is happening to me hit home with great avengeance today.

I looked for help, and was rebuffed on all sides by 'the establishment'....

Promises have been made and not kept.

I phoned my housing aid person, third time in two weeks. I was told (for the third time) she would phone me back. When she didn't, I walked (in tears) to the office and asked if she could see me or phone me. I was toild she was just going into a meeting, that she would ring me later. (She never did).

I've been waiting since January for help with my current Mental Health needs. I've been trying to contact the mental health team tall this week to try and find out how much longer I am going to have to wait for their help; four times they have promised to ring me back and four times have failed to do so. I went to my primary healthcare centre today and was told they couldn't help me, the mental health team were based elsewhere and only used that building for appointments, nothing else. They gave me the same number I have been calling all week...

I rang my GP's, trying to get an emergency appointment because I was feeling so dreadful that I was frightening myself. I got told there was nothing available for the next two days. I explained to the receptionist that would be too late, then rang off. I was meaning I would be dead by then.

I was still at Primary Care then, so tried to book in with the 'Go To Doc' service there. I was given a form and told to fill it in and wait. I asked how long I would have to wait (I was in floods of tears at the time) and was told "45 minutes to an hour". There were about 20 people in front of me. I would have had to sit amongst them while I cried my eyes out. I went back to the reception, still crying. I sat there twenty minutes, 'til I realised there was no help available there at all and decided I should just leave.

I wanted to ring my best supporters, but I didn't want to scare them all to hell if it was just a blip. I considered taking myself to A&E at the general hospital, but in the end I decided I was just as well off heading home. I'd realised by then that I was thinking about shopping for food, so I must be past the point of deciding whether to kill myself today or not.

One of the supporters I didn't call today is my best friend. What kept me alive today was a promise to my best friend not to leave her. I'm glad that I didn't make that call today, that I couldn't because she was at work and unobtainable as a result of that. I am still feeling lousy, but am not suicidal right now. It doesn't take away that it was a bloody rough day though. Make your promise, even if to only one person. I kept mine today. I love you, Gwraig.

Read This First

I found this website really helpful today. If you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are having suicidal thoughts, please take a look here before you do anything about the feelings.

Positives

I was dismissed from my job on Tuesday, considered incapable of fulfilling the terms of my contract due to prolonged ill health and absences. I expected to be devastated when this (almost inevitable) turn of events came to be. I don't feel that way though.

I'm being positive, starting my new life with great anticipation of good things.I get to discover now who I have become whilst I;ve not been looking.


Yesterday I had a chat with one of my idols, CCW, a crystal healer and dealer. She agrees with my assessment, that something positive lies ahead for me. Her husband, CW, observed how much I have changed and how far I have come since they first knew me, that I am bolder and stronger and more confident. Despite my current illness, their assessments of me and my current situation feel absolutely correct.

I am experiencing, despite my financial worries / total lack of income,a lightness and optimism of spirit that has been missing from me for an uncountable number of years. I am reminded again of the 13th Tartot card, Death. Change can be needed and can be for the best, and that's how al this feels right now.

Today I walked in wind and sunshine, eschewing using either bus or taxi. I also decided not to shop. Yes, there was a financial element to these decisions, but it was also a choice to slow down and enjoy the moment.

I ate my lunch, trying to be mindful about it. I realised that egg and mushrooms work well together, as do eggs and cheese, but that eggs, cheese and mushrooms combined in one omlette need separating out again in order to be palatable to me.

Then I walked home, via an unusual route, listening to the birds, sensing the road under my feet, feeling the wind pleasantly chill on me, the sun gently warming me when I was able not to be in shadows. I discovered that I prefer to walk on paving stones to walking on tarmac. I never realised this before.

I achieved huge amounts today -- dealing with various agencies and being assertive and definite about my circumstances and my needs. All in all, a very good day.


Image is a red jasper wand, courtesy of : http://th263.photobucket.com/albums/ii142/greencrosstoad/Wands/th_RedJasper.jpg

More stuff Haydn has said

Haydn, in the same post I blogged about earlier, says:

The more sexually vulgar I could be the better. I loved to shock, be controversial and say things to put people off me. I had an almost obsessive need to have sex with any man I could find. I just wanted to have sex with someone who had not had to force me, hold me down, make me cry and cause me pain. I wanted to be in charge for a change.

I've been there. I still am there sometimes. I control people by how and when I disclose things. I like to shock, to shake up their happy little pictures of who I am. I don't make things up, though. I don't have to. I really have dated five people at once/ I really am a witch. I really am bisexual. My manipulations involve who I disclose what to, and at which moment I do so.

I've come to realise lately how important 'control' is to me, mainly because my life has been taken out of my hands so much lately. Maybe that is why D/s relationships interest me.

Haydn's wish to "put people off me" rings true too. It's a defense mechanism, I believe. If you've been abused you don't really want people to touch you, either physically or emotionally, and most definitely you don't want to risk being hurt by their touch. So we develop ways of making ourselves revolting to others, either through looks or mannerisms, by what we say or what we do, by making ourselves seem eccentric or plain old crazy. Been there and still doing that.


If you recignuse the kind of person Haydn speaks about, ask them some day if they have been abused in the past. We can't be other than we are, but I will tell you that if you try, if you look past the front and make contact with the interior person, you will find a friend--or maybe even a partner--so loyal and loving that you may never get rid of them.

On the topic of abuse

A friend has been running some blog entries past me by a guy called Hadyn. Hadyn was abused as a child, as I was. He gives a very personal account of his life and his feelings.

In this episode, 'Sexually Abused to Death', Haydn talks about the ghost of the child he was before the abuse began. I recognise this concept in myself. Effectively I stopped growing my persona at the age I started being abused. Someone else came along to fill what should have been her shoes. The low self-confidence and bitterly low self-esteem I experience when I enter what I term 'a downslide' belong to who she became, not who she was meant to become.

Person Centred Counselling (which I have accessed a number of times) attempts to help us be who we were meant to be, stripped of the rubbish other people (significant people like parents, teachers and abusers) have caused us to pick up since we were born - our 'authentic self'. I am reminded of a kids show I used to watch (Crackerjack) when I think of this...they had a game every show where the kids won a prize every time they got a question right and a cabbage every time they got one wrong. They got to keep answering questions for as long as they could hold the pile of prizes and cabbages. The art of being our 'authentic selves' is learning keep the prizes and lose the cabbages. PCC is an attempt at a 'reset'.


I'm not my authentic self, in PCC terms. I may never get to be that person. You see, you can discard the cabbages, but their smell hangs around.

So yes, I too am haunted by the child I was before the abuse. I catch tiny glimpses of her. Occasionally she comes along and stamps her feet and acts up, too. As a little girl it's all she knows how to do, or has the strength to do, when faced with injustice and cruelty and wrongness. She's dead but she doesn't know it, and she won't lie down like a good little corpse.


Haydn says:

I am sure abusers and those who have never been abused fail to realise that the abuse lives with the abused for the rest of their life.

For an abuser it is an act of pulling up his pants and leaving the room but for the abused it is a lot more than that. An abuser thinks with his very little head whereas the abused has to think with the head on his or her shoulders.

I disagree. I believe abusers know exactly how great an impact they are making. I believe that's a part of what gets them off. It is that which makes the act of abuse so unforgiveable as far as I am concerned.

It's interesting that my friend directed me to this particular part of Haydn's blog today, because there was an episode of 'Doctors' on this afternoon which posited that it was 'so sad' that a one-time abuser was rejected by his wife when the truth came out. The character committed assault on a girl of 12 when he was 20. His wife gets pregnant when he is 45 and he explains to her why her proposing to keep the baby is distressing him so much. When she turns away from him he commits suicide. Good riddance, imho. The writer clearly wanted us to empathise with the man, who had 'paid his dues' by going to prison for what he did. Only problem is, in the real world, his victim would never get to exhume her child-self from the grave his act of perversion put her into. So if your bleeding heart feels abuse and assault is can be absolved by a period of jail time and /or chemical castration, shove it up your a*s!
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Dysthymia?

I've never heard of Dysthymia before, but it sounds awfully familiar to me now that I have. That I am also being prescribed with the drugs mentioned in the article, and am also about to be prescribed Pregabalin at the lower dosage suggested for Dysthymia, suggests this may be what ails me.

Recognising that Wikipaedia isn't the best of sources, I've also looked at these sites:

Pub Med Health

Dysthymia UK

Dysthymia UK: Treatments

If you have any experience of taking Pregabalin for depressive illness please let me know how you've found it? Thanks.

The Down Side of Christmas

I am very aware that Christmas brings with it a high rate of suicides. Please, if you are down over the holidays, don't choose this option. No matter what you are feeling right now, you are an important part of the universe and very much needed here.

I have Seasonally Affected Disorder, OCD Hoarding, Depression and Anxiety issues. I know how horrendously down this time of year can get people because I've been there myself. The black dog loves to come nipping at my heals at this time of the year, and I did ring the Samaritans on Boxing Day once.

Samaritans

In the UK dial 08457 90 90 90. In the Republic of Ireland dial 1850 60 90 90.

Or visit the Samaritans website for more info


If you are not in Britain, the Befrienders website tells of help available worldwide.


I especially want to tell those who are low because of gender issues that you are very loved, no matter what you have heard or what treatment you have received from bigots or from those in your family who cannot see you for the beautiful person you really are. You deserve to live and to have the chance to find love and acceptance. Please don't take away that right from yourself.

If you are in Manchester you can start your search for help at the LGF in Manchester.

If you are LGBT and in need of help and are in London try here: 020 7837 7324 (daily 10am -11pm)

If you are in Wales the LGBT Cymru Helpline is 0800 840 28069

Or try here at the Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association.

Stay safe and cling to hope. If you're alive something can always be done. Blessed Be.

Equality, Human Right and Other B*ll*cks

I've been long-term ill. I am covered by DDA legislation. I've returned to work, and now I am being told by my employers that I am not fit to work full-time.

I went to discuss this with a Job Centre Plus Disability Advisor. She, bless her, did everything humanly possible to try and help me. I strongly recommend taking this step if your circumstances make it relevant.

I was trying to discover how I might cope with a significant and immediate drop in pay. Unfortunately, because I went back on a phased return I have lost the opportunity of claiming Working Tax Credits (8 weeks time limit on this). I might be able to claim some form of help with my mortgage, dependent on my eventual circumstances, but this would only cover (part?) of mortgage interest and my lender refuses to move me onto an interest only mortgage. (I am fighting this situation, with advice from Shelter and the Citizen's Advice Bureau).

I will earn too much if I go down to even two days part-time to make ESA an option.

If ESA were an option I'd need to attend a medical assessment. The medical assessors for ESA have recently been criticised for their poor handling of clients with mental health issues.

My employers, in their rush to 'look after me', feeling my health has deteriorated since I went back to full time working, have actually brought about a crisis thanks to the stress entailed in fearing I may soon find my home repossessed because I can't earn a full enough wage to meet my mortgage payments.

They should actually have acknowledged that I am one of the people best placed to judge my own state of health and should have listened when I originally told them I needed a longer phased return that they were offering. Too, I should have pressed that issue. My advice to others? Press that particular matter, but be aware of the 8 weeks limit on claiming Working Tax Credits if something does go wrong with your return to work. Hopefully with an adequate period of phased return you'll do okay.

I've also been advised to ring the Welfare Rights Benefit Hotline on 0800 074 9985 to discuss appealing their decision not to award me Disability Living Allowance. Apparently I was too... erm... well, apparently I made too small an issue of my real support needs when I first applied... Erm, guys...Low Self-Esteem --> Minimising your problems and considering yourself less worthy or deserving or entitled to help than others...Wake up and smell the bullsh*t

Good luck if you find yourself in a similar position, I hope it works out well for you. You have my empathic best wishes.

If anyone has experience of a similar position and wants to give any pointers, feel free to leave a comment.
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Set Back

I thought I was making a good recovery. Then I discovered the anxiety attack.

My new boss sent me home today because me becoming upset had upset my colleagues and she feels I am not well enough yet to be back at work. My anxiety has been building since it snowed. As my boss correctly pointed out, last year we had bad weather but it did not provoke such a level of anxiety in me.

How I resolve this one, I don't know. I want to work, I was enjoying working, and I need to work. Yes, I am more emotional than usual. Yes I am less hardy than I maybe need to be, as yet. But like bereavement, I feel this situation can only be healed by time and by getting on with my life as best I am able meantime.

I was projecting this morning. I'm still projecting and awfulising. I am trying really hard to handle it though. Wish me luck.

My name is Katisha and I am a Compulsive Hoarder

It's been a while since I updated this blog. Apologies for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath. If you've been following this blog you'll know that I have been receiving Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for the last seven months or so. In that time I have been provided with a number of 'Books on Prescription' (a terrific scheme, many thanks to my local authority, and libraries department in particular!). One of these was:

Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
by David Veale and Rob Willson.

It was brought to my attention that I have a degree of OCD by a wonderful psychiatrist whom I met through my being off work ill with depression. The above mentioned book confirmed this for me when I read the following:

"Compulsive hoarding has been defined as the acquisition and failure to discard a large number of possessions...that appear to be either useless or of limited value. These objects may be acquired by excessive or impulsive shopping, or by collecting free items such as newspapers or promotional giveaways, or objects that have been discarded by others."

(Veale and Willson, p24)

When my psychiatrist suggested I had symptoms of OCD I was unsure, as I don't have other of the classic symptoms for this disorder, but by this definition I AM, clearly, a compulsive hoarder.

Veale and Willson (p24) go on to say this:

"...the clutter resulting from this accumulation of objects also causes significant distress or a reduced ability to function. When severe, clutter may prevent cooking, cleaning, moving freely through the house, or even sleeping. It may give rise to poor sanitation and pose a risk of fire or falls...

"...Hoarding can also be a feature of a person with an obsessive compulsive personality... Such individuals may be extremely conscientious, meticulous and over-attentive to detail, perfectionists or constantly striving for control..."

This accurately describes my general behaviour prior to becoming as ill as I recognise now that I was seven months ago. The situation I experienced at work, for an extended time, prior to becoming so seriously ill, was one where all my control over my working situation had gradually been eroded. Too, my self-esteem, what little I had to start with, and my confidence had also been chipped away at because I was experiencing a style of management which conflicted directly with my emotional and personal needs.

"They believe in correct solutions and want to eliminate all mistakes and failures. They often have low self-esteem and might compensate by being overachievers. If the perfect course cannot be taken, they may procrastinate and avoid making a decision. For such individuals, hoarding may be a way of procrastinating, reflecting a reluctance to throw away clutter 'just in case' the items may be useful. Hoarding can also occur in the context of anorexia nervosa and depression."

Veale and Willson, pages 24-25.

These symptoms added themselves to my profile as I became increasingly unwell. Little wonder that my psychiatrist was concerned about my suffering from OCD Hoarding, as it related to the bigger picture of my situation with Low Self-Esteem and my ability to function properly at work.

Unfortunately, Veale and Willson (p25) tell us that OCD Hoarding responds poorly to CBT. This put me off a lot when I read it, making me lose faith in my CBT, which I now regret having occurred. Combined with having a counsellor who I am able to tell is only 'one chapter ahead of me' regarding knowledge of how to treat OCD Hoarding )as teachers so often are when teaching), I have indeed found addressing this problem via CBT disappointing. My suspicion, though, is that CBT often fails to address hoarding a) because, as Veale and Willson say (p25), hoarders often don't see their hoarding as a problem, and therefore don't seek help, and, b) (in my personal opinion) too few CBT counsellors have sufficient specialist knowledge and understanding of OCD Hoarding.

There is a ray of hope offered that drugs may help those of us suffering from OCD Hoarding. Whilst Seratonin based treatments are supposedly ineffective, it is thought Dopamine may be helpful. (Veale and Willson, p26).

Personally, I already rattle thanks to the regime of medications I am on, not just for my depression but also for diabetes. If dopamine may be of help, though, I am willing to consider it and will be discussing it with my GP shortly.
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Self Image and Self Esteeem

Today I am identifying myself as 'A psycho tip-dweller with no visible future'.

This personification came to mind whilst I was working with someone on a story. I have become an aspiring authoress lately, you see, and we were online together when it occurred to me that my co-writer probably had an idea of me in her mind which was far removed from my truth.

I pictured her, picturing me as a 'lady of a certain age', British (with all the kitsch that implies to foreigners), probably married, with either cats or kids.

In response to my identifying myself as 'A psycho tip-dweller with no visible future', one of my most 'significant others' just told me: "You have a future, walking alongside me". Thank gods for her presence in my life! I honestly might not have a life without her.

Low self-esteem is a killer, not just literally but psychologically as well. You can become so lost to yourself that only the way others see you registers, and if that is off-tune or too cruel you can go so low as to not want yourself any longer. No-one wants you, and you don't want yourself, so what's the point ? I suspect that could be one of the reasons 'genuine' suicides don't leave notes... they figure there is no-one interested enough in them to need to know why they did it.

Oddly enough, I have a desire to be there for people who have hit that line. I honestly believe every person has a worth and deserves to be able to give their love to someone and be loved in return. All I have to do now is be sure enough of my policy to always include myself in it.