Time for an update. I have moved to my new home, a very pleasant one-bedroomed flat. With help from my amazing best friend Jessie Blackwood I have got the place in reasonable order and it looks like a home rather than a dump site. Keeping it that way is proving challenging, but I have support and am muddling through.

I still haven't disposed of the old place, though, nor the contents thereof. My Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has been put on hold because this issue is stopping me making progress with the therapy. My therapist has put a hold of about 12 to 16 weeks on working with me. I am about half way through that time now, I believe. The goal is to be free of the past things and the house by the time she is ready resume working with me. I admit, I am still heavily prevaricating.

Today I went to the Mindful Media group in Stockport, which works in association with CAHSS and Stockport MIND. I have been asked to provide some peer support with literacy and IT there. I have agreed to try this, with assurances from S that it is all very chilled and target free and totally in my hands in regards how I approach it.

I was terrified whilst we were discussing this! I was shaky and weepy and utterly lacking in confidence. I could see all the potential pitfalls of having a go at this, but I managed to come around. I actually think I see an approach that would be 'special' to Mindful Media; I am calling it 'Person-Centred Literacy' for now. It does what it says on the tin, if I can manage to create it. Something like this would have triggered all my buttons when I was well . . . I am very scared of cocking up, but I'll give it a try. I have, though, asked S to monitor me and to jump on me if I start being a perfectionist and self-critical of what I am doing and how it is going. I need to have a very positive experience with the project.

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I am angry that I have lost so much confidence through being bullied at work and becoming ill. I realise now that my OCD impacted on my performance at work, because the manner in which I was bullied led to me over-checking things. My extremely high levels of anxiety, my paranoia and my over-checking all impacted on my performance, setting the stage for what followed. I doubt I can ever forgive my bully, 'puh', for keying in to my weaknesses and exploiting them. I had a pre-existing illness and what occurred aggravated it to the point where I reached collapse.

I'm recovering, but it's a case of 'slow and steady wins the race'. Meditation is helping; Reiki is helping; my support workers are invaluable to me, as are Jessie and SK. I know I would not still be alive without the people around me who have xollecyively worked so hard to give me so much respect, affection, love and Unconditional Positive Regard. UPR will be at the heart of the approach I take to peer supporting for Literacy at Mindful Media. Blessed Be all those who contribute to helping me get well again.

Self Image and Self Esteeem

Today I am identifying myself as 'A psycho tip-dweller with no visible future'.

This personification came to mind whilst I was working with someone on a story. I have become an aspiring authoress lately, you see, and we were online together when it occurred to me that my co-writer probably had an idea of me in her mind which was far removed from my truth.

I pictured her, picturing me as a 'lady of a certain age', British (with all the kitsch that implies to foreigners), probably married, with either cats or kids.

In response to my identifying myself as 'A psycho tip-dweller with no visible future', one of my most 'significant others' just told me: "You have a future, walking alongside me". Thank gods for her presence in my life! I honestly might not have a life without her.

Low self-esteem is a killer, not just literally but psychologically as well. You can become so lost to yourself that only the way others see you registers, and if that is off-tune or too cruel you can go so low as to not want yourself any longer. No-one wants you, and you don't want yourself, so what's the point ? I suspect that could be one of the reasons 'genuine' suicides don't leave notes... they figure there is no-one interested enough in them to need to know why they did it.

Oddly enough, I have a desire to be there for people who have hit that line. I honestly believe every person has a worth and deserves to be able to give their love to someone and be loved in return. All I have to do now is be sure enough of my policy to always include myself in it.