Time for an update. I have moved to my new home, a very pleasant one-bedroomed flat. With help from my amazing best friend Jessie Blackwood I have got the place in reasonable order and it looks like a home rather than a dump site. Keeping it that way is proving challenging, but I have support and am muddling through.

I still haven't disposed of the old place, though, nor the contents thereof. My Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has been put on hold because this issue is stopping me making progress with the therapy. My therapist has put a hold of about 12 to 16 weeks on working with me. I am about half way through that time now, I believe. The goal is to be free of the past things and the house by the time she is ready resume working with me. I admit, I am still heavily prevaricating.

Today I went to the Mindful Media group in Stockport, which works in association with CAHSS and Stockport MIND. I have been asked to provide some peer support with literacy and IT there. I have agreed to try this, with assurances from S that it is all very chilled and target free and totally in my hands in regards how I approach it.

I was terrified whilst we were discussing this! I was shaky and weepy and utterly lacking in confidence. I could see all the potential pitfalls of having a go at this, but I managed to come around. I actually think I see an approach that would be 'special' to Mindful Media; I am calling it 'Person-Centred Literacy' for now. It does what it says on the tin, if I can manage to create it. Something like this would have triggered all my buttons when I was well . . . I am very scared of cocking up, but I'll give it a try. I have, though, asked S to monitor me and to jump on me if I start being a perfectionist and self-critical of what I am doing and how it is going. I need to have a very positive experience with the project.

@---}--}-------

I am angry that I have lost so much confidence through being bullied at work and becoming ill. I realise now that my OCD impacted on my performance at work, because the manner in which I was bullied led to me over-checking things. My extremely high levels of anxiety, my paranoia and my over-checking all impacted on my performance, setting the stage for what followed. I doubt I can ever forgive my bully, 'puh', for keying in to my weaknesses and exploiting them. I had a pre-existing illness and what occurred aggravated it to the point where I reached collapse.

I'm recovering, but it's a case of 'slow and steady wins the race'. Meditation is helping; Reiki is helping; my support workers are invaluable to me, as are Jessie and SK. I know I would not still be alive without the people around me who have xollecyively worked so hard to give me so much respect, affection, love and Unconditional Positive Regard. UPR will be at the heart of the approach I take to peer supporting for Literacy at Mindful Media. Blessed Be all those who contribute to helping me get well again.

My name is Katisha and I am a Compulsive Hoarder

It's been a while since I updated this blog. Apologies for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath. If you've been following this blog you'll know that I have been receiving Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for the last seven months or so. In that time I have been provided with a number of 'Books on Prescription' (a terrific scheme, many thanks to my local authority, and libraries department in particular!). One of these was:

Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
by David Veale and Rob Willson.

It was brought to my attention that I have a degree of OCD by a wonderful psychiatrist whom I met through my being off work ill with depression. The above mentioned book confirmed this for me when I read the following:

"Compulsive hoarding has been defined as the acquisition and failure to discard a large number of possessions...that appear to be either useless or of limited value. These objects may be acquired by excessive or impulsive shopping, or by collecting free items such as newspapers or promotional giveaways, or objects that have been discarded by others."

(Veale and Willson, p24)

When my psychiatrist suggested I had symptoms of OCD I was unsure, as I don't have other of the classic symptoms for this disorder, but by this definition I AM, clearly, a compulsive hoarder.

Veale and Willson (p24) go on to say this:

"...the clutter resulting from this accumulation of objects also causes significant distress or a reduced ability to function. When severe, clutter may prevent cooking, cleaning, moving freely through the house, or even sleeping. It may give rise to poor sanitation and pose a risk of fire or falls...

"...Hoarding can also be a feature of a person with an obsessive compulsive personality... Such individuals may be extremely conscientious, meticulous and over-attentive to detail, perfectionists or constantly striving for control..."

This accurately describes my general behaviour prior to becoming as ill as I recognise now that I was seven months ago. The situation I experienced at work, for an extended time, prior to becoming so seriously ill, was one where all my control over my working situation had gradually been eroded. Too, my self-esteem, what little I had to start with, and my confidence had also been chipped away at because I was experiencing a style of management which conflicted directly with my emotional and personal needs.

"They believe in correct solutions and want to eliminate all mistakes and failures. They often have low self-esteem and might compensate by being overachievers. If the perfect course cannot be taken, they may procrastinate and avoid making a decision. For such individuals, hoarding may be a way of procrastinating, reflecting a reluctance to throw away clutter 'just in case' the items may be useful. Hoarding can also occur in the context of anorexia nervosa and depression."

Veale and Willson, pages 24-25.

These symptoms added themselves to my profile as I became increasingly unwell. Little wonder that my psychiatrist was concerned about my suffering from OCD Hoarding, as it related to the bigger picture of my situation with Low Self-Esteem and my ability to function properly at work.

Unfortunately, Veale and Willson (p25) tell us that OCD Hoarding responds poorly to CBT. This put me off a lot when I read it, making me lose faith in my CBT, which I now regret having occurred. Combined with having a counsellor who I am able to tell is only 'one chapter ahead of me' regarding knowledge of how to treat OCD Hoarding )as teachers so often are when teaching), I have indeed found addressing this problem via CBT disappointing. My suspicion, though, is that CBT often fails to address hoarding a) because, as Veale and Willson say (p25), hoarders often don't see their hoarding as a problem, and therefore don't seek help, and, b) (in my personal opinion) too few CBT counsellors have sufficient specialist knowledge and understanding of OCD Hoarding.

There is a ray of hope offered that drugs may help those of us suffering from OCD Hoarding. Whilst Seratonin based treatments are supposedly ineffective, it is thought Dopamine may be helpful. (Veale and Willson, p26).

Personally, I already rattle thanks to the regime of medications I am on, not just for my depression but also for diabetes. If dopamine may be of help, though, I am willing to consider it and will be discussing it with my GP shortly.
.
.