Time for an update. I have moved to my new home, a very pleasant one-bedroomed flat. With help from my amazing best friend Jessie Blackwood I have got the place in reasonable order and it looks like a home rather than a dump site. Keeping it that way is proving challenging, but I have support and am muddling through.

I still haven't disposed of the old place, though, nor the contents thereof. My Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has been put on hold because this issue is stopping me making progress with the therapy. My therapist has put a hold of about 12 to 16 weeks on working with me. I am about half way through that time now, I believe. The goal is to be free of the past things and the house by the time she is ready resume working with me. I admit, I am still heavily prevaricating.

Today I went to the Mindful Media group in Stockport, which works in association with CAHSS and Stockport MIND. I have been asked to provide some peer support with literacy and IT there. I have agreed to try this, with assurances from S that it is all very chilled and target free and totally in my hands in regards how I approach it.

I was terrified whilst we were discussing this! I was shaky and weepy and utterly lacking in confidence. I could see all the potential pitfalls of having a go at this, but I managed to come around. I actually think I see an approach that would be 'special' to Mindful Media; I am calling it 'Person-Centred Literacy' for now. It does what it says on the tin, if I can manage to create it. Something like this would have triggered all my buttons when I was well . . . I am very scared of cocking up, but I'll give it a try. I have, though, asked S to monitor me and to jump on me if I start being a perfectionist and self-critical of what I am doing and how it is going. I need to have a very positive experience with the project.

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I am angry that I have lost so much confidence through being bullied at work and becoming ill. I realise now that my OCD impacted on my performance at work, because the manner in which I was bullied led to me over-checking things. My extremely high levels of anxiety, my paranoia and my over-checking all impacted on my performance, setting the stage for what followed. I doubt I can ever forgive my bully, 'puh', for keying in to my weaknesses and exploiting them. I had a pre-existing illness and what occurred aggravated it to the point where I reached collapse.

I'm recovering, but it's a case of 'slow and steady wins the race'. Meditation is helping; Reiki is helping; my support workers are invaluable to me, as are Jessie and SK. I know I would not still be alive without the people around me who have xollecyively worked so hard to give me so much respect, affection, love and Unconditional Positive Regard. UPR will be at the heart of the approach I take to peer supporting for Literacy at Mindful Media. Blessed Be all those who contribute to helping me get well again.

Positives

I was dismissed from my job on Tuesday, considered incapable of fulfilling the terms of my contract due to prolonged ill health and absences. I expected to be devastated when this (almost inevitable) turn of events came to be. I don't feel that way though.

I'm being positive, starting my new life with great anticipation of good things.I get to discover now who I have become whilst I;ve not been looking.


Yesterday I had a chat with one of my idols, CCW, a crystal healer and dealer. She agrees with my assessment, that something positive lies ahead for me. Her husband, CW, observed how much I have changed and how far I have come since they first knew me, that I am bolder and stronger and more confident. Despite my current illness, their assessments of me and my current situation feel absolutely correct.

I am experiencing, despite my financial worries / total lack of income,a lightness and optimism of spirit that has been missing from me for an uncountable number of years. I am reminded again of the 13th Tartot card, Death. Change can be needed and can be for the best, and that's how al this feels right now.

Today I walked in wind and sunshine, eschewing using either bus or taxi. I also decided not to shop. Yes, there was a financial element to these decisions, but it was also a choice to slow down and enjoy the moment.

I ate my lunch, trying to be mindful about it. I realised that egg and mushrooms work well together, as do eggs and cheese, but that eggs, cheese and mushrooms combined in one omlette need separating out again in order to be palatable to me.

Then I walked home, via an unusual route, listening to the birds, sensing the road under my feet, feeling the wind pleasantly chill on me, the sun gently warming me when I was able not to be in shadows. I discovered that I prefer to walk on paving stones to walking on tarmac. I never realised this before.

I achieved huge amounts today -- dealing with various agencies and being assertive and definite about my circumstances and my needs. All in all, a very good day.


Image is a red jasper wand, courtesy of : http://th263.photobucket.com/albums/ii142/greencrosstoad/Wands/th_RedJasper.jpg