I am very aware that Christmas brings with it a high rate of suicides. Please, if you are down over the holidays, don't choose this option. No matter what you are feeling right now, you are an important part of the universe and very much needed here.
I have Seasonally Affected Disorder, OCD Hoarding, Depression and Anxiety issues. I know how horrendously down this time of year can get people because I've been there myself. The black dog loves to come nipping at my heals at this time of the year, and I did ring the Samaritans on Boxing Day once.
Samaritans
In the UK dial 08457 90 90 90. In the Republic of Ireland dial 1850 60 90 90.
Or visit the Samaritans website for more info
If you are not in Britain, the Befrienders website tells of help available worldwide.
I especially want to tell those who are low because of gender issues that you are very loved, no matter what you have heard or what treatment you have received from bigots or from those in your family who cannot see you for the beautiful person you really are. You deserve to live and to have the chance to find love and acceptance. Please don't take away that right from yourself.
If you are in Manchester you can start your search for help at the LGF in Manchester.
If you are LGBT and in need of help and are in London try here: 020 7837 7324 (daily 10am -11pm)
If you are in Wales the LGBT Cymru Helpline is 0800 840 28069
Or try here at the Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association.
Stay safe and cling to hope. If you're alive something can always be done. Blessed Be.
Saturday, 18 December 2010
Friday, 10 December 2010
Equality, Human Right and Other B*ll*cks
I've been long-term ill. I am covered by DDA legislation. I've returned to work, and now I am being told by my employers that I am not fit to work full-time.
I went to discuss this with a Job Centre Plus Disability Advisor. She, bless her, did everything humanly possible to try and help me. I strongly recommend taking this step if your circumstances make it relevant.
I was trying to discover how I might cope with a significant and immediate drop in pay. Unfortunately, because I went back on a phased return I have lost the opportunity of claiming Working Tax Credits (8 weeks time limit on this). I might be able to claim some form of help with my mortgage, dependent on my eventual circumstances, but this would only cover (part?) of mortgage interest and my lender refuses to move me onto an interest only mortgage. (I am fighting this situation, with advice from Shelter and the Citizen's Advice Bureau).
I will earn too much if I go down to even two days part-time to make ESA an option.
If ESA were an option I'd need to attend a medical assessment. The medical assessors for ESA have recently been criticised for their poor handling of clients with mental health issues.
My employers, in their rush to 'look after me', feeling my health has deteriorated since I went back to full time working, have actually brought about a crisis thanks to the stress entailed in fearing I may soon find my home repossessed because I can't earn a full enough wage to meet my mortgage payments.
They should actually have acknowledged that I am one of the people best placed to judge my own state of health and should have listened when I originally told them I needed a longer phased return that they were offering. Too, I should have pressed that issue. My advice to others? Press that particular matter, but be aware of the 8 weeks limit on claiming Working Tax Credits if something does go wrong with your return to work. Hopefully with an adequate period of phased return you'll do okay.
I've also been advised to ring the Welfare Rights Benefit Hotline on 0800 074 9985 to discuss appealing their decision not to award me Disability Living Allowance. Apparently I was too... erm... well, apparently I made too small an issue of my real support needs when I first applied... Erm, guys...Low Self-Esteem --> Minimising your problems and considering yourself less worthy or deserving or entitled to help than others...Wake up and smell the bullsh*t
Good luck if you find yourself in a similar position, I hope it works out well for you. You have my empathic best wishes.
If anyone has experience of a similar position and wants to give any pointers, feel free to leave a comment.
.
.
I went to discuss this with a Job Centre Plus Disability Advisor. She, bless her, did everything humanly possible to try and help me. I strongly recommend taking this step if your circumstances make it relevant.
I was trying to discover how I might cope with a significant and immediate drop in pay. Unfortunately, because I went back on a phased return I have lost the opportunity of claiming Working Tax Credits (8 weeks time limit on this). I might be able to claim some form of help with my mortgage, dependent on my eventual circumstances, but this would only cover (part?) of mortgage interest and my lender refuses to move me onto an interest only mortgage. (I am fighting this situation, with advice from Shelter and the Citizen's Advice Bureau).
I will earn too much if I go down to even two days part-time to make ESA an option.
If ESA were an option I'd need to attend a medical assessment. The medical assessors for ESA have recently been criticised for their poor handling of clients with mental health issues.
My employers, in their rush to 'look after me', feeling my health has deteriorated since I went back to full time working, have actually brought about a crisis thanks to the stress entailed in fearing I may soon find my home repossessed because I can't earn a full enough wage to meet my mortgage payments.
They should actually have acknowledged that I am one of the people best placed to judge my own state of health and should have listened when I originally told them I needed a longer phased return that they were offering. Too, I should have pressed that issue. My advice to others? Press that particular matter, but be aware of the 8 weeks limit on claiming Working Tax Credits if something does go wrong with your return to work. Hopefully with an adequate period of phased return you'll do okay.
I've also been advised to ring the Welfare Rights Benefit Hotline on 0800 074 9985 to discuss appealing their decision not to award me Disability Living Allowance. Apparently I was too... erm... well, apparently I made too small an issue of my real support needs when I first applied... Erm, guys...Low Self-Esteem --> Minimising your problems and considering yourself less worthy or deserving or entitled to help than others...Wake up and smell the bullsh*t
Good luck if you find yourself in a similar position, I hope it works out well for you. You have my empathic best wishes.
If anyone has experience of a similar position and wants to give any pointers, feel free to leave a comment.
.
.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Set Back
I thought I was making a good recovery. Then I discovered the anxiety attack.
My new boss sent me home today because me becoming upset had upset my colleagues and she feels I am not well enough yet to be back at work. My anxiety has been building since it snowed. As my boss correctly pointed out, last year we had bad weather but it did not provoke such a level of anxiety in me.
How I resolve this one, I don't know. I want to work, I was enjoying working, and I need to work. Yes, I am more emotional than usual. Yes I am less hardy than I maybe need to be, as yet. But like bereavement, I feel this situation can only be healed by time and by getting on with my life as best I am able meantime.
I was projecting this morning. I'm still projecting and awfulising. I am trying really hard to handle it though. Wish me luck.
My new boss sent me home today because me becoming upset had upset my colleagues and she feels I am not well enough yet to be back at work. My anxiety has been building since it snowed. As my boss correctly pointed out, last year we had bad weather but it did not provoke such a level of anxiety in me.
How I resolve this one, I don't know. I want to work, I was enjoying working, and I need to work. Yes, I am more emotional than usual. Yes I am less hardy than I maybe need to be, as yet. But like bereavement, I feel this situation can only be healed by time and by getting on with my life as best I am able meantime.
I was projecting this morning. I'm still projecting and awfulising. I am trying really hard to handle it though. Wish me luck.
Saturday, 2 October 2010
My name is Katisha and I am a Compulsive Hoarder
It's been a while since I updated this blog. Apologies for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath. If you've been following this blog you'll know that I have been receiving Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for the last seven months or so. In that time I have been provided with a number of 'Books on Prescription' (a terrific scheme, many thanks to my local authority, and libraries department in particular!). One of these was:
It was brought to my attention that I have a degree of OCD by a wonderful psychiatrist whom I met through my being off work ill with depression. The above mentioned book confirmed this for me when I read the following:
When my psychiatrist suggested I had symptoms of OCD I was unsure, as I don't have other of the classic symptoms for this disorder, but by this definition I AM, clearly, a compulsive hoarder.
Veale and Willson (p24) go on to say this:
This accurately describes my general behaviour prior to becoming as ill as I recognise now that I was seven months ago. The situation I experienced at work, for an extended time, prior to becoming so seriously ill, was one where all my control over my working situation had gradually been eroded. Too, my self-esteem, what little I had to start with, and my confidence had also been chipped away at because I was experiencing a style of management which conflicted directly with my emotional and personal needs.
These symptoms added themselves to my profile as I became increasingly unwell. Little wonder that my psychiatrist was concerned about my suffering from OCD Hoarding, as it related to the bigger picture of my situation with Low Self-Esteem and my ability to function properly at work.
Unfortunately, Veale and Willson (p25) tell us that OCD Hoarding responds poorly to CBT. This put me off a lot when I read it, making me lose faith in my CBT, which I now regret having occurred. Combined with having a counsellor who I am able to tell is only 'one chapter ahead of me' regarding knowledge of how to treat OCD Hoarding )as teachers so often are when teaching), I have indeed found addressing this problem via CBT disappointing. My suspicion, though, is that CBT often fails to address hoarding a) because, as Veale and Willson say (p25), hoarders often don't see their hoarding as a problem, and therefore don't seek help, and, b) (in my personal opinion) too few CBT counsellors have sufficient specialist knowledge and understanding of OCD Hoarding.
There is a ray of hope offered that drugs may help those of us suffering from OCD Hoarding. Whilst Seratonin based treatments are supposedly ineffective, it is thought Dopamine may be helpful. (Veale and Willson, p26).
Personally, I already rattle thanks to the regime of medications I am on, not just for my depression but also for diabetes. If dopamine may be of help, though, I am willing to consider it and will be discussing it with my GP shortly.
.
.
Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
by David Veale and Rob Willson.
It was brought to my attention that I have a degree of OCD by a wonderful psychiatrist whom I met through my being off work ill with depression. The above mentioned book confirmed this for me when I read the following:
"Compulsive hoarding has been defined as the acquisition and failure to discard a large number of possessions...that appear to be either useless or of limited value. These objects may be acquired by excessive or impulsive shopping, or by collecting free items such as newspapers or promotional giveaways, or objects that have been discarded by others."
(Veale and Willson, p24)
When my psychiatrist suggested I had symptoms of OCD I was unsure, as I don't have other of the classic symptoms for this disorder, but by this definition I AM, clearly, a compulsive hoarder.
Veale and Willson (p24) go on to say this:
"...the clutter resulting from this accumulation of objects also causes significant distress or a reduced ability to function. When severe, clutter may prevent cooking, cleaning, moving freely through the house, or even sleeping. It may give rise to poor sanitation and pose a risk of fire or falls...
"...Hoarding can also be a feature of a person with an obsessive compulsive personality... Such individuals may be extremely conscientious, meticulous and over-attentive to detail, perfectionists or constantly striving for control..."
This accurately describes my general behaviour prior to becoming as ill as I recognise now that I was seven months ago. The situation I experienced at work, for an extended time, prior to becoming so seriously ill, was one where all my control over my working situation had gradually been eroded. Too, my self-esteem, what little I had to start with, and my confidence had also been chipped away at because I was experiencing a style of management which conflicted directly with my emotional and personal needs.
"They believe in correct solutions and want to eliminate all mistakes and failures. They often have low self-esteem and might compensate by being overachievers. If the perfect course cannot be taken, they may procrastinate and avoid making a decision. For such individuals, hoarding may be a way of procrastinating, reflecting a reluctance to throw away clutter 'just in case' the items may be useful. Hoarding can also occur in the context of anorexia nervosa and depression."
Veale and Willson, pages 24-25.
These symptoms added themselves to my profile as I became increasingly unwell. Little wonder that my psychiatrist was concerned about my suffering from OCD Hoarding, as it related to the bigger picture of my situation with Low Self-Esteem and my ability to function properly at work.
Unfortunately, Veale and Willson (p25) tell us that OCD Hoarding responds poorly to CBT. This put me off a lot when I read it, making me lose faith in my CBT, which I now regret having occurred. Combined with having a counsellor who I am able to tell is only 'one chapter ahead of me' regarding knowledge of how to treat OCD Hoarding )as teachers so often are when teaching), I have indeed found addressing this problem via CBT disappointing. My suspicion, though, is that CBT often fails to address hoarding a) because, as Veale and Willson say (p25), hoarders often don't see their hoarding as a problem, and therefore don't seek help, and, b) (in my personal opinion) too few CBT counsellors have sufficient specialist knowledge and understanding of OCD Hoarding.
There is a ray of hope offered that drugs may help those of us suffering from OCD Hoarding. Whilst Seratonin based treatments are supposedly ineffective, it is thought Dopamine may be helpful. (Veale and Willson, p26).
Personally, I already rattle thanks to the regime of medications I am on, not just for my depression but also for diabetes. If dopamine may be of help, though, I am willing to consider it and will be discussing it with my GP shortly.
.
.
Monday, 26 July 2010
Self Image and Self Esteeem
Today I am identifying myself as 'A psycho tip-dweller with no visible future'.
This personification came to mind whilst I was working with someone on a story. I have become an aspiring authoress lately, you see, and we were online together when it occurred to me that my co-writer probably had an idea of me in her mind which was far removed from my truth.
I pictured her, picturing me as a 'lady of a certain age', British (with all the kitsch that implies to foreigners), probably married, with either cats or kids.
In response to my identifying myself as 'A psycho tip-dweller with no visible future', one of my most 'significant others' just told me: "You have a future, walking alongside me". Thank gods for her presence in my life! I honestly might not have a life without her.
Low self-esteem is a killer, not just literally but psychologically as well. You can become so lost to yourself that only the way others see you registers, and if that is off-tune or too cruel you can go so low as to not want yourself any longer. No-one wants you, and you don't want yourself, so what's the point ? I suspect that could be one of the reasons 'genuine' suicides don't leave notes... they figure there is no-one interested enough in them to need to know why they did it.
Oddly enough, I have a desire to be there for people who have hit that line. I honestly believe every person has a worth and deserves to be able to give their love to someone and be loved in return. All I have to do now is be sure enough of my policy to always include myself in it.
Saturday, 19 June 2010
CBT Update
I'm up to Session 8 of my CBT now. I've learnt some techniques for spotting my own 'errors in thinking' and I am learning techniques which can help me to get off the 'low self-esteem' treadmill.
At the start of each session I complete a couple of forms about how I have been feeling over the last couple of weeks. My counsellor has data from these forms on his computer and can show me a graph of how I am progressing. It's interesting to note that my scores have been falling as the counselling has progressed (this is a good thing), having dropped from high risk to average or slightly below, meaning I theoretically don't require therapy now. I'd disagree, though.
My scores have fallen, but I've been off work for the last three months, so it's natural that my anxiety levels have fallen, since the primary source of my distress has been removed. I am concerned what happens if and when I return to work. That thought in itself causes me anxiety, though I at least know now that what I am doing is 'predicting' and painting the worst-case scenario for myself.
The psychiatrist I saw recently. the doctor from occupational health and my own GP all feel there is a glimmer of hope of me returning to work now, but that it is dependent on my employers making appropriate 'reasonable adjustments'. It's now confirmed that my situation is covered under the Disability Discrimination Act, which means I have a few more rights than otherwise. The phrase 'watch this space' springs to mind.
At the start of each session I complete a couple of forms about how I have been feeling over the last couple of weeks. My counsellor has data from these forms on his computer and can show me a graph of how I am progressing. It's interesting to note that my scores have been falling as the counselling has progressed (this is a good thing), having dropped from high risk to average or slightly below, meaning I theoretically don't require therapy now. I'd disagree, though.
My scores have fallen, but I've been off work for the last three months, so it's natural that my anxiety levels have fallen, since the primary source of my distress has been removed. I am concerned what happens if and when I return to work. That thought in itself causes me anxiety, though I at least know now that what I am doing is 'predicting' and painting the worst-case scenario for myself.
The psychiatrist I saw recently. the doctor from occupational health and my own GP all feel there is a glimmer of hope of me returning to work now, but that it is dependent on my employers making appropriate 'reasonable adjustments'. It's now confirmed that my situation is covered under the Disability Discrimination Act, which means I have a few more rights than otherwise. The phrase 'watch this space' springs to mind.
Psychiatrist Visit
I am off work with stress and depression presently. My employer recently sent me to see a psychiatrist. Now this sounded really scary when it was proposed, but I want to talk about it here for the benfit of others in simalr positions.
The hospital I went to for the appointment did little to reassure me from the outside, as it looked rather like an early 20th century 'asylum'; though very pretty it's red brick, small windowpanes and endless lawns triggered some anxiety. This was, I believe, a private hospital rather than an NHS one, so it was 'posh'.
Reception sent me to a small waiting room. This room held four chairs and two racks of information leaflets about various mental health issues. It was generally quite pleasant, apart from the windows. Understand me, there were no bars on the window as such, but the design of the windows still gave that feeling, as they were composed of multiple panes of glass, about 4 x 6 inches, mounted in cast iron. I was the only person there, and waited about 15 minuted before the psychiatrist popped her head around the door to invite me to her consulting room.
My session with the psychiatrist was actually quite decent. She was business-like, empathetic, a good listener, no-nonense and forthright. She asked me to explain my personal history first, guiding me through my narrative by asking for further detail where necessary. Having established a context for my present difficulties we then discussed what's happened and happening at work.
I've yet to receive a copy of her report, but I felt supported and comprehended. I also felt would deal with me fairly. In short, I liked her and appreciated her manner.
The hospital I went to for the appointment did little to reassure me from the outside, as it looked rather like an early 20th century 'asylum'; though very pretty it's red brick, small windowpanes and endless lawns triggered some anxiety. This was, I believe, a private hospital rather than an NHS one, so it was 'posh'.
Reception sent me to a small waiting room. This room held four chairs and two racks of information leaflets about various mental health issues. It was generally quite pleasant, apart from the windows. Understand me, there were no bars on the window as such, but the design of the windows still gave that feeling, as they were composed of multiple panes of glass, about 4 x 6 inches, mounted in cast iron. I was the only person there, and waited about 15 minuted before the psychiatrist popped her head around the door to invite me to her consulting room.
My session with the psychiatrist was actually quite decent. She was business-like, empathetic, a good listener, no-nonense and forthright. She asked me to explain my personal history first, guiding me through my narrative by asking for further detail where necessary. Having established a context for my present difficulties we then discussed what's happened and happening at work.
I've yet to receive a copy of her report, but I felt supported and comprehended. I also felt would deal with me fairly. In short, I liked her and appreciated her manner.
Saturday, 27 March 2010
Six Words
I've just been asked how I would describe my life in just six words ?
Fool's gold, frankincense, myrhh, bitter herbs
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Books on Prescription 2
I'm not sure how much of my own direct experience of CBT to share here. I want readers to have the opportunity to see the process of engaging with CBT from the inside, but maybe my more personal insights need to remain undisclosed ? Bear with me whilst I figure out how much and what types of information to share.
I've now read Chapter Two of Melanie Fennell's book. I've made copious notes from this chapter, as it is far more meaty than Chapter One. In this chapter the underpinning theories and principles of CBT are presented, along with numerous case studies. All this allows you to start to relate the text to your personal experiences and to understand what has happened in your instance.
There are a few quotes I want to share at this stage:
Summarising, what I've learnt from Chapters One and Two of Fennell's book is this:
1. What we have come to believe about ourselves and about our 'lot in life' has accrued over time. It's an opinion, an often skew-wiff view, built on biased and prejudicial information; when you have an inclination to low self-esteem you place greater negative weight on your experiences in life and discount or discolour a lot of the positives.
2. We have developed a 'Bottom Line' - a 2. statement we believe to be true about ourselves, for example, 'I am unacceptable'.
3. We base our strategies for surviving life on this 'Bottom Line' and thse become out 'Rules for Living', for example 'unless I behave in this manner I will be rejected'.
4. There is a cycle in operation here. Our 'Bottom Line' dictates our actions via our 'Rules for Living'. We 'edit' and 'filter' our experiences to support our 'Bottom Line'.
I strongly recommend the following text:
Fennell, M., (2009), Overcoming Low Self-Esteem: A self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques
I've now read Chapter Two of Melanie Fennell's book. I've made copious notes from this chapter, as it is far more meaty than Chapter One. In this chapter the underpinning theories and principles of CBT are presented, along with numerous case studies. All this allows you to start to relate the text to your personal experiences and to understand what has happened in your instance.
There are a few quotes I want to share at this stage:
There is nothing shameful about seeking psychological help" (Fennell, 2009:22)
"Your view of yourself...is an opinion, not a fact" (Fennell, 2009:32)
"...beliefs about ourselves are all learned" (Fennell, 2009:34)
"...well established reaction patterns prevent you from changing your opinion of yourself". (Fennell, 2009:34)
Summarising, what I've learnt from Chapters One and Two of Fennell's book is this:
1. What we have come to believe about ourselves and about our 'lot in life' has accrued over time. It's an opinion, an often skew-wiff view, built on biased and prejudicial information; when you have an inclination to low self-esteem you place greater negative weight on your experiences in life and discount or discolour a lot of the positives.
2. We have developed a 'Bottom Line' - a 2. statement we believe to be true about ourselves, for example, 'I am unacceptable'.
3. We base our strategies for surviving life on this 'Bottom Line' and thse become out 'Rules for Living', for example 'unless I behave in this manner I will be rejected'.
4. There is a cycle in operation here. Our 'Bottom Line' dictates our actions via our 'Rules for Living'. We 'edit' and 'filter' our experiences to support our 'Bottom Line'.
It is maintained and, indeed, strengthened by systematic biases in thinking, which make it easier for you to notice and give weight to anything that is consistent with it, while encouraging you to screen out and discount anything that is not" (Fennell, 2009:52)
"Because you basic beliefs about yourself are negative, you anticioate that events will turn out in a negative way...The anticipation makes you sensitive to any sign that things are indeed turning out as you predicted" (Fennell, 2009:54)
I strongly recommend the following text:
Fennell, M., (2009), Overcoming Low Self-Esteem: A self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques
Monday, 15 March 2010
Books on Prescription
My therapist recommended two books to me this week. He didn't get the title or author exactly right, because he didn't have his 'prescription cards' on him at the time, but I managed to figure it out.
He explained that there is a scheme running in local libraries called 'Books on Prescription'. The therapists from the area have given the public library service a list of books they are liable to recommend that their clients read. The libraries have copies of these books in and they can be requested by clients / patients; you can then get the book(s) on a double-length loan period (6 weeks in this area) without being charged for requesting the book(s).
I have currently got the following books on loan under this scheme:
Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell
Overcoming Anxiety by Helen Kennerley
Assertiveness: Step by Step by Windy Dryden and Daniel Constantinou
I've started reading the one by Melanie Fennell. The first half of Chapter One was a bit obvious and a tad patronising, but it gets better. I did the exercises suggested and I feel I gained a lot by it. I've decided to try and read a chapter every couple if days.
One thing I did like about this book right from the start is how much effort has been put in to guide the reader to a decision about whether the book is right for them; it clearly states who it is aimed at, how it might help, how much it can help, and what to do if it is not ebough on its own
I highly recommend asking your therapist or librarian if there is a 'Books on Prescription' scheme or something similar operating where you are.
He explained that there is a scheme running in local libraries called 'Books on Prescription'. The therapists from the area have given the public library service a list of books they are liable to recommend that their clients read. The libraries have copies of these books in and they can be requested by clients / patients; you can then get the book(s) on a double-length loan period (6 weeks in this area) without being charged for requesting the book(s).
I have currently got the following books on loan under this scheme:
Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell
Overcoming Anxiety by Helen Kennerley
Assertiveness: Step by Step by Windy Dryden and Daniel Constantinou
I've started reading the one by Melanie Fennell. The first half of Chapter One was a bit obvious and a tad patronising, but it gets better. I did the exercises suggested and I feel I gained a lot by it. I've decided to try and read a chapter every couple if days.
One thing I did like about this book right from the start is how much effort has been put in to guide the reader to a decision about whether the book is right for them; it clearly states who it is aimed at, how it might help, how much it can help, and what to do if it is not ebough on its own
I highly recommend asking your therapist or librarian if there is a 'Books on Prescription' scheme or something similar operating where you are.
Week Two
So, I've now had my second CBT session. This one involved reviewing my last session, then looking at some of the 'situations' I recorded as homework. I was also asked to fill in another form like the one I filled out last week, which was very similar to the one I filled out when I first saw the 'Gateway Worker' who assessed me as needing CBT. I scored lower on this form this week, which indicates I coped better this week, I think.
I presented a lot of issues last week, as you'll know if you read my previous entries. So this time my therapist was trying to help me narrow things down and prioritise and to identify the things that will respond best to the CBT approach. We also discussed those things CBT can't address, and things I need to take concrete action about too, like my financial difficulties.
We settled on my low self-esteem and my requirment to be more assertive as the two biggest priorities, whilst acknowledging the interconnectedness of my issues.
We discussed target setting, using the 'SMART' target model. I came out of the session with one target, which (paraphrasing) is that by session 11 I will be being firm enough with 30% of the people who 'drop-in' on me during working hours to tell them when I don't have time to see them there and then and manipulate the communication in the encounter so that they have to go away and come back at an agreed appointment time.
My therapist is on holiday for two weeks now, so he has asked me to come up with some more SMART targets for myself and to keep recording my 'Situations', though he has given me a different form to use this time which asks me to also record how I behaved in order to cope with the situation.
The other thing my therapist did this session was to talk to me about 'Books on Prescription'. I feel this is so important a topic that I am going to make a separate entry about it.
I presented a lot of issues last week, as you'll know if you read my previous entries. So this time my therapist was trying to help me narrow things down and prioritise and to identify the things that will respond best to the CBT approach. We also discussed those things CBT can't address, and things I need to take concrete action about too, like my financial difficulties.
We settled on my low self-esteem and my requirment to be more assertive as the two biggest priorities, whilst acknowledging the interconnectedness of my issues.
We discussed target setting, using the 'SMART' target model. I came out of the session with one target, which (paraphrasing) is that by session 11 I will be being firm enough with 30% of the people who 'drop-in' on me during working hours to tell them when I don't have time to see them there and then and manipulate the communication in the encounter so that they have to go away and come back at an agreed appointment time.
My therapist is on holiday for two weeks now, so he has asked me to come up with some more SMART targets for myself and to keep recording my 'Situations', though he has given me a different form to use this time which asks me to also record how I behaved in order to cope with the situation.
The other thing my therapist did this session was to talk to me about 'Books on Prescription'. I feel this is so important a topic that I am going to make a separate entry about it.
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Week One - Prior to Therapy Session
Well, nearly time for my second therapy session, so I thought I'd review my experiences of this week. Mostly I seem to have been anxious, upset and angry, in turns, throughout the week. Of course there's a slant going on there, because I've only recorded the bad bits. There have been good bits too.
I'm not sure what I have recorded and how I have recorded is right. I'll find out tomorrow, I suppose. This week, almost inevitably, I've been preoccupied with goings on at work, which is where I get bullied. I don't want my therapy to be about work, though. I've spent a lot of time chewing that particular topic over in the past. I want to work at a deeper level than talking about how much my boss pisses me off and how helpless she can manage to make me. That's her stuff, not mine. If I'm only going to get one crack at CBT I want to make the best use of it that I can.
I'll update again after tomorrow's session.
I'm not sure what I have recorded and how I have recorded is right. I'll find out tomorrow, I suppose. This week, almost inevitably, I've been preoccupied with goings on at work, which is where I get bullied. I don't want my therapy to be about work, though. I've spent a lot of time chewing that particular topic over in the past. I want to work at a deeper level than talking about how much my boss pisses me off and how helpless she can manage to make me. That's her stuff, not mine. If I'm only going to get one crack at CBT I want to make the best use of it that I can.
I'll update again after tomorrow's session.
Friday, 5 March 2010
Opening Pandora's Box
Here's my first entry in a brand new blog. Don't expect daily updates. My policy is to only ever write when I have something to say.
This is a deliberately anonymous blog. It may seem strange that I am writing about something so intimate as my experiences of CBT in a public forum, but in truth I a) want to record my experience for posterity and b) want to help others understand the process and benefits of accessing counselling.
Am I really a madwoman ? Judge for yourself. I have thoughts and feelings which are reputedly not 'the norm', and sometimes I act on these in ways that may appear bizarre, or indeed 'mad', to others. To you, if you are bothering to read this, they may seem familiar. If they are and you would like to correspond with me about something you have read here leave me a message and an email address and I'll get back to you. I'm really bad at answering / acting in a timely fashion,though, so don't think I am ignoring you or being horrible. Eventually you will hear off me.
This is my first post after my first CBT counselling session. CBT stands for 'Cognitive Behaviour Therapy'. I'll put some links up later for those who need or want to know a bit more about what CBT is, it's theory and practise.
So what happened ?
I went to a medical centre. I met with a stranger, a CBT Therapist (Counsellor). He explained what CBT is and how it works and that I will be doing 'homework'. I told him my life story in the form of a potted history, mostly covering the really shitty stuff that's happened to me and how it all leaves me feeling and how it impacts on my life at present. Together we concluded that CBT might be an effective way to address my needs. We agreed when we'd meet again, how often (weekly) and approximately for how many sessions (12).
I am a bit reluctant to talk in detail, but I guess you need to know what my main issues are. I have low self-esteem, I suffer from depression, I'm subjected to bullying at work, I hover on the fringes of self-harming behaviour and I don't love myself.
The phrase 'Not waving, but drowning' sums me up a lot of the time.
This is a deliberately anonymous blog. It may seem strange that I am writing about something so intimate as my experiences of CBT in a public forum, but in truth I a) want to record my experience for posterity and b) want to help others understand the process and benefits of accessing counselling.
Am I really a madwoman ? Judge for yourself. I have thoughts and feelings which are reputedly not 'the norm', and sometimes I act on these in ways that may appear bizarre, or indeed 'mad', to others. To you, if you are bothering to read this, they may seem familiar. If they are and you would like to correspond with me about something you have read here leave me a message and an email address and I'll get back to you. I'm really bad at answering / acting in a timely fashion,though, so don't think I am ignoring you or being horrible. Eventually you will hear off me.
This is my first post after my first CBT counselling session. CBT stands for 'Cognitive Behaviour Therapy'. I'll put some links up later for those who need or want to know a bit more about what CBT is, it's theory and practise.
So what happened ?
I went to a medical centre. I met with a stranger, a CBT Therapist (Counsellor). He explained what CBT is and how it works and that I will be doing 'homework'. I told him my life story in the form of a potted history, mostly covering the really shitty stuff that's happened to me and how it all leaves me feeling and how it impacts on my life at present. Together we concluded that CBT might be an effective way to address my needs. We agreed when we'd meet again, how often (weekly) and approximately for how many sessions (12).
I am a bit reluctant to talk in detail, but I guess you need to know what my main issues are. I have low self-esteem, I suffer from depression, I'm subjected to bullying at work, I hover on the fringes of self-harming behaviour and I don't love myself.
The phrase 'Not waving, but drowning' sums me up a lot of the time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)